From Where I'm Standing

The one fact is that life is constantly changing. I thought I had my world planned out. Like dancing through a field of daisies, I was oblivious to the looming thunderstorm ahead. Within a very short time, my dear Mom passed away, my marriage was ending, and I had an 18 month old and 3 year old relying on me to not fall apart. So I picked up the pieces (aka "putting my big girl pants on") and kept on going.

So here I sit, three years later in a different house, with a different life, even different furniture. I should admit I shoved all of the old out the front door and had an impromptu yard sale in a moment of indifference. But what relief, moving to a new house and leaving broken memories behind! Only one thing in my life has remained constant and that is to give my children stability, continuous love and affirmation that we were going to be FINE.... even better than fine. We were going to be wonderful and have a great life. So many changes and I often worried I just wasn't doing enough, that they would feel short changed from my decisions, that my best just wasn't enough for the three of us.

I was updating my daughter's baby book last night when I started thinking about transitions and separations over the past few years. I was SO worried about her riding the bus today. I was positive my heart would leap out of my chest before the moment arrived. While looking at pictures from the moment SHE arrived, I realized she's already been through some incredibly challenging times. She has always known I was here when she needed me- she could see me, grab my hand and look to me for reassurance. Sure, we stumbled here and there, but we always kept going. Getting on the bus today was the center point of her KNOWING I am still here, always. She climbed to the top of the steps, looked back at me with her half smile, I nodded reassuringly, she gave me a full smile back and off she went. As I watched the bus carrying my precious doll, tears filled my eyes. I halfway expected her to grab my leg, to beg me to let her stay home, to hold on tight. But she did none of those. Life has thrown my little 5 year old some curve balls, and today gave ME the reassurance that she can adapt to anything and she knows I will not fail her and I am always holding her hand....