Skreeeech! Hold up! Wait a minute! It's Fall??

I'm a summer girl- sunshine, swimming, beaches, the SMELL of suntan oil- love it all. Warm months go by too quickly. Then it's time to cool down. At first, I tried to ignore fall and continued wearing flip flops. After inspecting purple toes, I have succumbed to this change too. I mean, it only happens EVERY year.

I pulled out our Halloween decorations, cluttered the house with pumpkins and such, then sat back waiting to get excited. The kids loved it. They had orange and purple lights strung all over the place. Their giggly chatter TOLD me this would be fun, but still, ugh....

Years ago, Mom and I were driving down Hwy 31 when she remarked how beautiful the changing trees were in the fall. Soon it will be time for campfires, pots of chili, vegetable soup, Angel biscuits, she went on. Fall is such a welcome sight for many, but I find it depressing. Beautiful leaves, pumpkins, Mums, it's all a reminder of what's on our doorstep. Soon trees will be naked, the sky will be gray, and we will stay in rather than getting bundled up just to stay indoors somewhere else.

The day after Thanksgiving 2006 is earmarked one of the worst days of my life. I unexpectedly found I was not the only woman in my husband's life. I felt so incredibly foolish. My Mom had just passed, I was physically and emotionally exhausted then this bomb exploded shredding my already dwindling family. The betrayal, lies, disrespect, it was already too much and still, just the beginning. I had to make some tough, gut wrenching decisions then. I never wanted to be a single parent, for my kids to be shuttled between relatives and friends, I never wanted to have one person knowingly give me this much pain. I never wanted to be alone. All those exhausting, sad, empty moments have been chainlinked to Fall and Winter in my mind. I've created that association and found it's difficult to break.

Last week, I was driving down Hwy 111 pondering how quickly we were "going through" Fall. I want my kids to appreciate the wonder of mother nature and the transitions all around us. I pointed to the cluster of trees, recalling my Mom's enthusiasm. Adding some of my own, I said "Look at all those beautiful colors!" My kids eagerly began describing the hues of the leaves delicately dangling from the branches. Magic! Their thoughts exploded- pumpkin carving, trick or treating, making Halloween cookies, all the traditions I have created for us. Their excitement was infectious. Mom, can we make candy apples?? Mom, can we paint faces on our pumpkins? Mom, can I put a ghost up in my room? Mom, do can we get our costumes soon? Mom, if the ghost in my room. is scary... can I put it in yours?? Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes!!!

Maybe someday I will genuinely look forward to fall and what's on its heels. And maybe someday winter won't seem so cold and lonely. Until then, I'm looking at the next few months through my children's eyes as if I'm seeing it anew. I'm still just a summer girl, I wear my flip flops (and now fuzzy socks) but hey this life is not all about me now is it??

*Photo by Lori Hamm Tate