Single Catch of the Century

So I decided to give online dating another try. I mean the probability that Mr. Right (Now) will come knocking on my door while I'm sitting on the couch are slim to none. Well, unless you exclude the lawn care guy whom I thought was pretty cute but way too short and (I'm certain) way too young, but I digress. Joining the dating site was actually a bit of an ego boost when you look at the NUMBER of men that either "winked" at me or sent an email interested. When you look at the QUALITY, well it's a generous reminder that it takes all kinds in this world to make it go round.

I HAD to post this correspondence in hopes to either warn women, provide some comic relief, and just to prove that the majority of our population could use medication or an inpatient psychiatric stay... or both. It's lengthy, but well worth the time. Happy reading!!

Rick here. confident, but not arrogant.

Hello my name is Rick. I am looking for a fun loving, intelligent, attractive, spontaneous partner. These are all qualities which I possess and am willing to share. I have a big heart and am always aware of those less fortunate. I volunteer in my community and have even tolerated serving at the soup kitchen. I'm a very down to earth person who eschews superficial, phony, materialistic people. I believe in the inner beauty that every person possesses. I am a big believer in environmental causes and have done my part to save the earth. You must love animals as I do. I support many causes for animals. I am willing to tolerate a pet as long as it is clean. I believe the body is a temple and eat healthy and work out regularly and would expect the same from my partner. Working out is pretty much an expectation however please don't be one of those overweight sweaty women who have been showing up at the club. I am a food and wine connoisseur with an impeccable palate. I have dined at some of the finest restaurants in the world and can order in French, Italian, and Spanish. I am very well educated and can carry on conversations on a wide range of subjects from philosophy to world politics. I also have an ability to converse with those less well educated than myself, however I would need to know the educational background of any potential mate. I am very attractive physically and while I keep an open mind, if you would like to be considered in the running, please submit your measurements. I am not a fan of plastic surgery however I know everyone is not as fortunate as myself. I will consider those who have undergone cosmetic surgery as long as it turned out. I take an interest in people's occupations and their career path. Could you tell me about your work history and your current salary? I wish all of you well however I will only be responding to a select few. Good luck.

My Reply  
You clearly have one of two things going on. Either you need medication or you are so tired of dating that you have decided to make a game of it. Either way, it is not shocking that you are still single. Good luck to YOU!

His Response
RE: Rick here. confident, but not arrogant.
You are very perceptive about the content. Sorry I just couldn't help myself when reading your profile. I did enjoy reading your profile and when I read the part "confident, but not arrogant", I just couldn't rsist turning that over to Rick. How do you like your irony? Yeah I know Rick is arrogant and obnoxious but that's just the way I like him. I wouldn't have sent Rick anyway if I didn't like your profile. Sometimes Rick is so subtly obnoxious it can be hard to tell where he is coming from. I take it since you didn't include your measurments you didn't find Rick appealing. In some ways Rick may be disturbingly real. In that case I want you to meet Geraud. To say that Geraud is different, but far less subtle is an understatement. Watch out for Geraud's message, it's interesting.

Thanks for the reply.




His Response Part 2
Exciting, but not psychotic Geraud well maybe not
Hi my name is Geraud.I am looking for someone who is fun loving, outgoing, and vicious. A good sense of smell is a big plus. I saw your pictures and think you are really lukewarm. I think with some work you could have a really nice smile. I may not be the dumbest tool in the shed but I can see right through superfacial people. I think that its very important to be accepting of all people and ideas and reach out to help those less fortune. I am not a maternalistic person. I love all animal feecies. Mostly I like lizards, rare birds, and other erotic animals. I am however allergic to moles which means I cant attend Pauls rituals anymore. I like midgets they look up to me. That is a joke. I have a good sense of humor ladies. I enjoy deep stimulating covservation but im not looking for a brain scientist. I really detect stupid burnettes.

Some deputy from the shariffs apartment made me shave my mullet. I not sure but he may have violated my constipational rights. I saw that guy Harry that lives down the hall this morning. He gave me an obese jesture. I hate him. That girl Dora Dale Jean in my GED class sits in front of me and has gas. I call her phartpounder but not to her chest. She is very large and intimating. She has a shitzoo named skippy. What a stupid name. He doesnt. I am sick of her bothering me and telling me she loves me. I think she is infected with me.

Thats enough about me I dont want you to get two excited. Id like to know more about you. Just tell me what your measuremints are and how much you make. Also Id like to know if you have a crimnal record. even if you dont i still may be interested.




My Reply 
 Hit that block button and secretly wonder if it's my ex-husband being his lovely psychodramatic self. I also decided I should start "dolling" myself up....never know who I'll meet sitting around the house... well except for the church ladies that keep knocking on my door adamant that I need to be saved. Pfffft!