Crossing Paths

A few weeks ago I had a patient in her mid 70's, quite soft spoken with gentle eyes and a gracious smile. I completed my nursing assessment as she spoke about the great grandson that just left her room. Concentrating on the crumpled Kleenex in her hand, she quietly said he was there only to get money for pills. I sat at the foot of her bed as she spoke of the situation. I knew what she was feeling. I knew the fear of watching someone in the bowels of pill addiction. I knew the pain it inflicted on a family. The hopelessness. The frustration. Even the disgust. She spoke for several minutes, careful to concentrate on the tissue's wrinkles I decided to share a bit of my experiences with my ex-husband. Issues I still struggle with today. She looked up at me and said, "We just can't save them, can we?" I sympathetically agreed and she tearfully asked I not let her great-grandson re-enter. I promised.

For the next 45 minutes, I listened intently as she spoke of her tumultuous first marriage. I learned how she freed herself and four children from the alcoholic wrath of their philandering father. I learned how she worked various and multiple jobs to make it; how this petite, gentle woman chased her ex-husband down the street carrying the knife she was peeling potatoes with when he plucked their youngest son out of the yard. She spoke of the financial and emotional struggle just to wake up and "pretend happy" everyday. This happened some 50 years ago and yet, the sadness in her eyes would seem as if it were just yesterday. I told her a bit more about my struggle.... with my ex-husband, my children, with men in my life, with trusting anyone. She smiled softly, nodding ever so slightly each time reassuring she understood all too well. As we sat there a little teary eyed, I attempted to lighten the mood. Speaking in a happier tone I asked, "When you remarried, did this man come along and just sweep you off your feet?" I was secretly hoping for the "happily every after" ending I don't believe in but wish for more than anything. Chuckling lightly, she said he is 14 years her senior, and had a stable, well paying job in construction when they met and married a few years after her divorce. She talked how he has been a wonderful father to her children. They moved out of the city and built a large home on several acres.With a reminscent look, she added he came along when she didn't know what to do next and he literally saved them.

What she shared next has just stuck with me. It's filled the space when my mind wanders, when I'm driving down the road, or even scrubbing the sink. It's made me question the "refuse to settle" belief I've held for the past 5 years. Looking up from her hands clutching the now shredded tissue, her soft eyes filled with an almost apologetic look she said, "I never loved him like you're supposed to love a man. Like you're supposed to love your husband. I don't trust him, even now after all these years and he has never crossed me. Not even once. I never had "those" feelings for him. But my kids.......  my kids love him still to this day more than I could have ever hoped. He was exactly what they needed. And boy does he love them." Fully smiling now she said, "He's in his 90s now and they drive him all over the place. They don't miss any of his doctor's appointments. They love him and he loves them as if they've always belonged together. I would do it all again exactly the same for them." Pausing she quietly added, " But I wouldn't do it again for me. It's not all about us, now is it?"

I ponder her inner thoughts. Is this what happens when you've been scarred or jaded from life? Is this what it comes down to? You choose what your children need versus what you want? You can't have both? It sure feels that way. I find the man that would be a good, solid father figure for them to rely on ends up being a man I can care about but never truly love. Have I been selfish all this time, refusing to settle for anything less than that truly, madly, deeply feeling for myself but sacrificing stability for them? The sadness in her eyes tells me it can't be the right answer, but the glowing happiness her face beamed when speaking of her children and their "father" tells me it is somewhere in the answer. She did not come to this decision lightly. I need to think about specific choices I make and if it will benefit both me and the kids. The fact is, for women with children all on their own, it's never just about us. It's not about holding out for that fairy tale. I've prided myself on "making it" just me and my kids. The way I get by in life is more than acceptable but the men I spend my time with and keep completely separate from my children, deprives them of a very important relationship. A relationship I can't make up for. A relationship they need. This petite little woman chose her children's happiness and a stable life over her own butterflies. Feelings which fade somewhat as time goes by. While a part of me thinks I can still have it ALL, the reality is after 5 years I have yet to find it quite possibly because it does not exist. I want my kids to have the next 50 or so years with a good man in their life to love as a father and that will love them as his children. I may be lost at times, but I do know without a doubt, I want THAT for them. I am so thankful this insightful little woman and I crossed paths. I can't help but think there was a greater reason. Maybe the message isn't about "settling" but readjusting what WE need.    I do know the most private thoughts she shared have lingered in my head for weeks now and I intend to learn from her life as well.


Interestingly enough, the children's biological father never straightened up and eventually "fell out" of their life. When he passed, the man's wife called the now adult children asking them to pay his burial expense as they had nothing. They obliged only out of respect that they were born from him as well. It saddens me to know that was their final interaction with him. I fear a similar path for my own children...  I am, however, certain their life was much richer and happier with their one true dad.

Single Catch of the Century

So I decided to give online dating another try. I mean the probability that Mr. Right (Now) will come knocking on my door while I'm sitting on the couch are slim to none. Well, unless you exclude the lawn care guy whom I thought was pretty cute but way too short and (I'm certain) way too young, but I digress. Joining the dating site was actually a bit of an ego boost when you look at the NUMBER of men that either "winked" at me or sent an email interested. When you look at the QUALITY, well it's a generous reminder that it takes all kinds in this world to make it go round.

I HAD to post this correspondence in hopes to either warn women, provide some comic relief, and just to prove that the majority of our population could use medication or an inpatient psychiatric stay... or both. It's lengthy, but well worth the time. Happy reading!!

Rick here. confident, but not arrogant.

Hello my name is Rick. I am looking for a fun loving, intelligent, attractive, spontaneous partner. These are all qualities which I possess and am willing to share. I have a big heart and am always aware of those less fortunate. I volunteer in my community and have even tolerated serving at the soup kitchen. I'm a very down to earth person who eschews superficial, phony, materialistic people. I believe in the inner beauty that every person possesses. I am a big believer in environmental causes and have done my part to save the earth. You must love animals as I do. I support many causes for animals. I am willing to tolerate a pet as long as it is clean. I believe the body is a temple and eat healthy and work out regularly and would expect the same from my partner. Working out is pretty much an expectation however please don't be one of those overweight sweaty women who have been showing up at the club. I am a food and wine connoisseur with an impeccable palate. I have dined at some of the finest restaurants in the world and can order in French, Italian, and Spanish. I am very well educated and can carry on conversations on a wide range of subjects from philosophy to world politics. I also have an ability to converse with those less well educated than myself, however I would need to know the educational background of any potential mate. I am very attractive physically and while I keep an open mind, if you would like to be considered in the running, please submit your measurements. I am not a fan of plastic surgery however I know everyone is not as fortunate as myself. I will consider those who have undergone cosmetic surgery as long as it turned out. I take an interest in people's occupations and their career path. Could you tell me about your work history and your current salary? I wish all of you well however I will only be responding to a select few. Good luck.

My Reply  
You clearly have one of two things going on. Either you need medication or you are so tired of dating that you have decided to make a game of it. Either way, it is not shocking that you are still single. Good luck to YOU!

His Response
RE: Rick here. confident, but not arrogant.
You are very perceptive about the content. Sorry I just couldn't help myself when reading your profile. I did enjoy reading your profile and when I read the part "confident, but not arrogant", I just couldn't rsist turning that over to Rick. How do you like your irony? Yeah I know Rick is arrogant and obnoxious but that's just the way I like him. I wouldn't have sent Rick anyway if I didn't like your profile. Sometimes Rick is so subtly obnoxious it can be hard to tell where he is coming from. I take it since you didn't include your measurments you didn't find Rick appealing. In some ways Rick may be disturbingly real. In that case I want you to meet Geraud. To say that Geraud is different, but far less subtle is an understatement. Watch out for Geraud's message, it's interesting.

Thanks for the reply.




His Response Part 2
Exciting, but not psychotic Geraud well maybe not
Hi my name is Geraud.I am looking for someone who is fun loving, outgoing, and vicious. A good sense of smell is a big plus. I saw your pictures and think you are really lukewarm. I think with some work you could have a really nice smile. I may not be the dumbest tool in the shed but I can see right through superfacial people. I think that its very important to be accepting of all people and ideas and reach out to help those less fortune. I am not a maternalistic person. I love all animal feecies. Mostly I like lizards, rare birds, and other erotic animals. I am however allergic to moles which means I cant attend Pauls rituals anymore. I like midgets they look up to me. That is a joke. I have a good sense of humor ladies. I enjoy deep stimulating covservation but im not looking for a brain scientist. I really detect stupid burnettes.

Some deputy from the shariffs apartment made me shave my mullet. I not sure but he may have violated my constipational rights. I saw that guy Harry that lives down the hall this morning. He gave me an obese jesture. I hate him. That girl Dora Dale Jean in my GED class sits in front of me and has gas. I call her phartpounder but not to her chest. She is very large and intimating. She has a shitzoo named skippy. What a stupid name. He doesnt. I am sick of her bothering me and telling me she loves me. I think she is infected with me.

Thats enough about me I dont want you to get two excited. Id like to know more about you. Just tell me what your measuremints are and how much you make. Also Id like to know if you have a crimnal record. even if you dont i still may be interested.




My Reply 
 Hit that block button and secretly wonder if it's my ex-husband being his lovely psychodramatic self. I also decided I should start "dolling" myself up....never know who I'll meet sitting around the house... well except for the church ladies that keep knocking on my door adamant that I need to be saved. Pfffft!

Flirting 101.... FAIL!

Sooooo, I'm browsing around a local department store. Not really shopping, just enjoying peaceful time alone. Wearing my favorite yoga pants and U of L shirt, I find myself in the shoe aisle. HEELS!! I love 'em but just can't afford anything extra at this time. And to be honest, they don't exactly go fabulously with my normal day to day life. ANYWAY, so there I was, hair in a loose messy ponytail, minimal make-up on, prancing back and forth in 3 inch heels (kick ass ones at that) and my slightly faded cotton/poly/spandex blend "gym outfit" when I could feel someone looking at me. I glanced up just as the eyes were looking away. Oooh, he's handsome, clean cut... and TALL (HUGE bonus for me.) I look back down focusing on my attire wishing I had bothered to put on more makeup today. As he walks by, I feel him looking at me again as I pretend to fully inspect the heels. Look up, look up, look up I tell myself but still can't! That gorgeous man struts by one last time some 10 minutes later while I scrupulously inspect a random purse and only looking up once it's quite safe to watch him walk away. 

I kick myself. I have NO game whatsoever. I'm 36 years old, I've birthed babies, I'm responsible for people's lives in my job, and I couldn't even look up and smile. Didn't realize I was back in 7th grade... only I DID talk to boys rather easily then. Now I'm just a NERD!

Maybe I should check this book out !

Is it...

Is it irrational to seek out true, genuine happiness?

Is it irrational to want to "just be" for a little while?

Is it irrational to look beyond the eye's perceptions in search of the core?

Is it irrational to be attracted to someone with a completely different reality of life?

Is it irrational to enjoy time with someone that helps you forget about your own pressing issues?

Is it irrational to look outside of comfortable to experience a new world?

No, no, no, no, no, and no..... BUT:

Is it irrational to expect a person to let down their facade when you hold up your own?

Is it irrational to let someone only show a small portion of himself and accept that as knowing him?

Is it irrational to expect him to share his real world but secretly build reservations after just a glimpse?

Is it irrational to constantly choose the path with rocks and stones and inflated expectations?

Is it irrational to have sheer frustration over something that cannot and will not change?

Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. 

Do you stand up and walk, cutting out as early as possible to divert the inevitable? Or do you live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is? My, oh my. The paths I choose to explore. I have lots of stories to tell when I'm older..... It's a shame I won't be able to share most of them with the grandkids!

Round and Round

Late Entry. Blog post for April 17, 2010.

Soo, Playa... I am over his flipflop, dillydally attitude. But still, there's something  that annoyingly keeps him in my head. I drop kick him out, he comes back after a few months. While I no longer seriously entertain the idea, I can't figure out why I even listen. It's clear we will never give the other what they need. So why bother? He and I have talked about how we're never on the same page at the same time. So what is it?!? Randomly and when I least expect it, he's pops back. It's all cautious when he's not sure if I'm going to hear him out or rip his head off. Next is a phone call saying he was going to stop by but didn't know if my man would be here. I don't correct him to divulge that the only man in my life is 4 yrs old. The conversation ends after an hour by saying if I ever want to go riding (motorcycle) then give him a call. And there it is, he props the door open again. Those that know me also know that I'm almost infatuated with motorcycles and speed evoking adrenaline. But I'm just too tired to play this game. He likes the chase and I drive with a flat tire.

In text talk with my bff about Blue (after all she and my sister fully interrogated this man while I was in the loo), I mentioned that he was a history buff and seemed, well, possibly just a shade on the side of too safe. No, I don't want to say boring, he's incredibly funny so let's say mellow. Here's how the text convo proceeded:

Me (About him): His Interests are learning about our founding fathers and the Constitution. Fave quote is by Thomas Jefferson. Fave book is Liberty and Tyranny.... this guy may run for office some day... I'd hate to ruin that for him...

BFF: He's a history buff which is a much cheaper habit than gambling, drugs and various bizarre obsessions such as bobbleheads.

Me: Just sayin....

BFF: Whatever. The minute he didn't turn up on a bike with another woman on the back and a cig out of his mouth and the popo following him , u lost interest.

Me: Omg, I love you. I reallllly do. U may know me a bit too well.

BFF: I just described ur most recent fantasy, didn't I? Bet I was even there standing on the walk asking u not to go as u hopped on the back and rode away.

Me: Umm, well.... Huh. Maybe? U actually had hand on hip, shakin ur head and rollin ur eyes, lol.

BFF: Boy this all sounds really familiar.

Me: And then you tell me to shut the hell up as I whine that some bitch was callin him baby...

BFF: And ur surprised.... again.

She has the scenario pegged. I love it that she also coached me on what I can and can't say to Blue. The legitimate concern is that he may just hightail it if he knows too much too quickly. It's clear if I screw this one up (and I always do) I will have to answer to BFF. She thinks I'm nuts, she knows I need a stable, available MAN in my life. But why do I have that burning attraction for bad boys? Is it possible that I've lived in such chaos for so many years that I've confused stability for boring? Heartbreak for excitement? Thrill for happiness? I've always liked things a little on the wild.... but I'm tired of pumping air back in for one more lap. It's TIME to grow up... at least a little.

Game Over? Wait, did hell freeze over?

I love technology. I love that I can keep up with friends through social networking sites. I can shoot someone a text message or plan a day without ever talking. I can go online and change a dental appointment, pay a bill, change my cable services, watch a movie, the list goes on! What I didn't expect was the "snooper/stalker" aspect of this wonderful technology. Let's refer to this as "Secret Agent" it sounds MUCH nicer since I'm the one peaking.... and makes it more acceptable in the wild depths of my mind.

You may remember my tall, handsome player. He has been a troublesome spot. Why is that?? Because I LET him be, because I listened when he "really wanted to change his life, he really wanted to be THAT person, he wanted me to understand." And then after a few weeks, he was gone again. SURPRISE!! Yeah, well he is permanently affixed in the "Guy category" so I just *thought* he wanted to be that MAN. So I, annoyed again, left a voice mail informing him I was done.. for good. And that was that. He'd text on occasion throughout the holidays... I ignored. Fight the power girl! Behind those dark eyes is a guy that only knows one thing- THE DAMN GAME. He called- I sent it to voicemail... then played his message until it was permanently embedded. Oh girl, FIGHT THE POWER. Seriously, get a grip.

After a bit, curiosity killed me. What could he possibly say this time to hook me? So I called. Hmmm... voicemail. I waited a day then sent one of his signature "Hey" texts. Hmmm, no response. Crap! Now HE has the upper hand... it was mine and I gave it away!! WHY did I respond?? Nosey girl got to thinking... On a whim, I typed his name onto a friend site and guess what- there he was. Oh time to investigate, donning imaginary sunglasses and trench coat, it looked as if he started out rounding up his girls.... almost all girls. A little flirty comment here, a little thumbs up there. Interesting, he knows I'm on this site... maybe he didn't want me to see his play-by-play. Playa really needs to make his page private! Wait, what's this? Well that statement is out of character, hmmm. The secret agent session just shocked me. First, he was more of a man-whore than I ever realized and second and the most stunning, he is now in love. Honestly, for real in love.. something he's never been in his life. I know his game inside and out and his recent posts are so far out of bounds, that it must be love. I wanted to puke. It made me crazy for a moment. It made me obsess on why he was contacting me if he already had someone. I wanted to call him up and yell for trying to drag me back into his game.. a game in which he quit, at least for the moment.

Then I realized something.... he met her while I pondered my next move or if I was even going to make one. I had just assumed he would always be there. I've known in the past that there have been others between our like/hate relationship, but now here is PROOF... and the newest has a face. Snooping has actually been good for me. I realize now it's something I couldn't help him feel. He needs to know what love is, how love can hurt, how love can be so incredibly exhilarating. He needs to know what it feels like to love someone and how to treat them with sincere, honest feelings. It will make him a better person. It will open his eyes to a world I couldn't show him. I hope she breaks his heart. Hey, I am still human. =)

boys... Guys..... MEN

Okay, this is how I see it. The male species can be found in one of three simple categories. Really, it's that easy peasy. I've met several- of each- during my few years of freedom. After mentally reviewing those I've met, I came to the realization I had never noticed such a difference before. Perhaps it's because I was "a girl" when I exited the dating scene. Now, smack dab in the middle of my 30's, it didn't take long to tag a male as either: a carefree boy, fun loving guy, or manly man. The only question a single woman needs to ask is this: what do you want from a guy?

Here we go:

boys-

Tried and true.... boys will be boys. It's not their looks but personality. You may find a boy at his momma's house on Sunday so she can launder and press his clothes while he is devouring a home-cooked meal and catching the game on TV with pops. If you're a girl, it's not that far off from your own experiences. If you're a woman, leave 'em alone. They have entirely too much growing to do and have much to learn about the world beyond momma's apron strings. They have nonspecific careers and don't hesitate to move from one meaningless job to the next. Expect momma to be the one ordering your flowers on Valentine's Day because he didn't wake up in time. This is not about age, but rather maturity. I've met enough "older boys" to learn it's best to walk before you catch yourself doing his dishes..

Guys-

Guys are fun. Period. They love hanging out. They can be found faithfully on Sunday afternoons shooting hoops, catching a game, in the garage with buddies salivating over their newest high speed machines, or the like. Hot guys tend to have great pickup lines, killer smiles, and it's game on when they are interested. Guys often have decent jobs, some even appear quite professional and that only adds to the attraction. Dates are spontaneous with this type. Here intuition is key. A guy isn't necessarily interested in calming down. Many guys have bachelor characteristics and don't always have deep roots planted for future growth. I married a guy. I divorced a guy. I dated the "how ya doin guy." I tend to be attracted to guys then surprisingly annoyed with the results. Guys can be energetic, edge-of-your seat exciting, and two minutes later- incredibly frustrating. They don't "grow up" past a certain point. These tend to "get by" in life and may do it rather well. But they don't seek more. Future stability is not their primary concern as they "live in the moment." Don't mess with a guy unless you've got your game face on.... and had a good night's sleep.

MEN-

Ahhh, the manly man. Strong, secure, they've got it together and are confident in their choices. Men tend to be in authority or admired careers. They know and actually contribute to their retirement. They own houses. They make people proud. You feel secure with a man. No game here, you know when they are serious. So what's the catch? Men don't always bring the excitement a woman needs from time to time. They are considerate and predictable and stable and strong. I'm not saying they are scrooges by any means, but you know when they close their eyes at night, they will be exactly the same in morning's light. They need women to poke the logs to keep the flames from smoldering out.

The way I see it, everything is a trade-off. Once I started dating, I had to ask a few questions and those in my position should too: Do you want to take care of someone? Do you want surprises and nothing too serious? Do you want excitement and thrill? Do you want the future planner? The strong type? To have comfort in security and stability? So here I sit, stuck between guys and men..... Each with pros and cons and with particularly attractive characteristics. I have yet to meet one with the perfect combo. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I've been stuck in the "guy" department. Maybe I want the security of a man with the excitement of a guy. Maybe he's out there, maybe not. We'll see.

Her Randomness

A Girl Should Be Two Things:

Classy and Fabulous.

~From Coco Chanel herself.

But reminds me distinctly of Audrey .


Welcome to my restless and rambling stage. Here's a sampling of trivial things that keep my mind ping ponging.

One of my favorite sayings:
I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, but now I go topless. Well, that just threw "classy" out the window.... but isn't it fabulous?!?!? I've been told a time or two lately that I'm heartless. Not that at all, it's just well protected these days!

Do men have a "nesting" period?? I've witnessed this with a few single, male friends. It happens at 2 different stages- on the brink of turning 40 and as winter approaches. Bizarre behavior... reminds me of watching a squirrel gather nuts. Maybe it's their revelation that their self-created life is a little chilly. Here, they toy with the idea of having a +1. Wonder if it's lasting or just a momentary crisis. Just looking for an explanation.....

I admantly say I will never be swept off my feet- too much of a realist now. Doesn't happen, fantasy world! But deep down, it would be nice to have the RIGHT equally madly "in like" with me man come take me away. So, how can Prince Charming ride to my rescue if I knock him down before he even mounts his horse? ... and I wonder if the horse would mind having 2 child car seats strapped to the sides....

We are all a work in progress. It's good to pause occasionally to check where your arrow is pointing. Turns out, my compass needed adjustment. Note to self: "Settling" is not an option.

Definition of assertive: confidently aggressive or self-assured; positive: aggressive; dogmatic
Hmm, surprising.. tilts to the negative... Sorry dictionary.com but assertive is NOT aggressive. Regardless, it's my new self help topic. I talk to myself about it and it helps!!

Why do people think all nurses want to marry a doctor? Many have innocently asked if I know any doctors to date. Umm, no. You won't find me at the nurse's station in my little white- just barely covering my ass- dress waiting to flirt with a doc. Rather, you're likely to find poo on my pants from a patient's colonoscopy prep and griping about what a jerk some MD was when I had to call him at 3 am.* Working my unit is more like being a contestant on Fear Factor than a speed dating participant.
*This statement does exclude my dear friend Krishna who is nothing less than a perfect physician and dear spouse of my best friend.

My spinning wheels have officially went down the toilet. Coming soon: Peace, love, and shimmies!

The Other Side of The Bed

I recently purchased a new mattress set to accompany my gifted "grown up" bed. The other was beyond shot and I was ready for the old inner springs to stop poking and laughing at my ribcage. A few weeks in to my new found love, I chuckled to myself that only one side of the bed would have an indentation. Sure my little guy sneaks in once he's sure I'm fast asleep, but he's just my extension as he lays right next to me. And alas, the other side reminds pristine and untouched.

As I lay there, I contemplated the other side being so incredibly neat and fluffy. Maybe it was supposed to remain new and fresh. One day when I'm ready to let go of the old routine, I will venture to that side. But for the time being I stay on my safe, comfortable side... the place where I know exactly how to position myself to get what I want the most. In this case it's a good night's sleep. But what about in the real world? I've been a self proclaimed mini warrior in my own life and quickly learned the difference between what I HAD to do, what I NEEDED to do, and what I WANTED to do. I've become so well versed in positioning myself to be close to someone, but still hold them at a distance. Can never be too safe, I'd tell myself. I especially choose men that are fun, edgy, bad- if you will- and do not have the capacity to be emotionally connected. Just skip that part, commitment is overrated right? If you date a man that can give you everything except the one thing you're scared of most then it's all safe? Right?!?? Isn't this how it's supposed to work?

A few weeks ago, I found myself at a crossroads with a friend. He's the "How you doin" kinda guy and we always seem to come back around to each other. He has a deep seated commitment fear that no woman in this lifetime will ever tear down and I accepted that along time ago. Then in a rare, out-of-character moment, he extended himself and expressed true emotion talking about a future, his kids, my kids, all these foreign areas our friendship had never ventured to. I was speechless. A year ago, I would have been JUMPING up and down to finally chip in to his barrier. But what did I do? After a very awkward silence, I did not reciprocate even the smallest gesture of reaching out and smashed every real emotion, connection, or feeling we ever shared. Flash and the moment, as well as the guy, was gone. I still think wow, didn't realize I would run. I was crazy for this guy at one point. I had put myself out there before and wasn't willing to do it again even when I had been WAITING to hear those things. But what if, at that pivotal moment, I did open up? I will never know. Instead, I neatly folded our friendship up like a used napkin and handed it back to him. I know he wasn't "the one" with a thousand reasons to back that, but he was someone I truly cared for and my reaction was shocking especially to myself. I had nailed this "date like a man" plan but it didn't feel good.... or right.

I did a little experiment last night. I scooted over to the untouched side of my bed just to try it out. Sure it was a bit uncomfortable; things felt out of place for a few minutes and I had to keep adjusting until it was a little closer to "normal." I'm tired of being the "at an arm's length" kind of woman. I don't want to never feel true love.... and happiness... and security again. As I lay there, I realized it wasn't THAT uncomfortable... it was actually kind of nice and refreshing. I must learn how to "let go" and discard that load of bricks from my past. I drifted off to sleep on the new side. When I awoke this morning, I was back on the safe, familar side. So maybe I'm not ready just yet, but it's a start. The welcomingly cool side felt great, even if just for a moment.

Check Please!

Wow! The dating world has changed so much since I was last in it- some 13 years ago. Now, it's all about online dating, text messaging, "hooking up" and skipping some of the great moments along the way.

My first venture out was about 2 years ago and it started by finding an old friend, one whom I was wild about at one time and hadn't seen in 17 years. The first date was GREAT and lasted into the wee hours sitting on a river bank talking about EVERYTHING. I thought "Is this man for real?!? This is what I have been missing!" Fast forward and no, the man isn't for real... the man is a player. Men like him know what to say, when to say it, and how to make a woman feel like the center of the universe when they need it the most. The problem with a player is if YOU never walk away, it will go on and on. Just when you are done, they come around with their well-rehearsed lines and try to draw you back in. Well, not me. I walked away..... then came back a few months later, that pesky tall, dark handsome man. Actually I think just being friends with Player is good for me- I have a good learning curve on how to date like a man. And that's just what I planned to do.....

Several months later, I "met" (online, of course) a man that seemed interesting enough, busy enough to not expect me to drop everything to be with him, and we had good conversations. He was polite and understanding when I turned down his first two invitations to dinner. One day, I thought, WHAT am I waiting for?!? So I eagerly said yes the next time and went to buy a new outfit. As I was getting ready, I thought "Tonight, Mommy isn't going to be Mommy, but a fun, single woman." He chose a very nice restaurant, I was a little nervous. I do much better with just meeting for drinks, but this was an excellent place for a date. Sooo, I met Mr. Nice Enough and he looked NOTHING like the pictures he had posted.... My friends and I are actually still debating if that was his friend's pic or if it was just about 10 years old and 60 lbs lighter. I try not to judge, but HATE it when someone misrepresents. Then add this conversation 5 minutes into our date and I was DONE!

Nice enough man: Sooo, we've talked about everything on the phone. There are a few things we didn't cover. There's one thing I am dying to know...

Naive girl (me): Oh yeah? (smiling) What's that?

Nice enough: Well, how do you shave?

Naive and confused: What?

Nice enough: You know, how do you shave down there?

Naive and disgusted: Uh, with a razor.

Nasty Enough: Well, maybe later I'll just have to find out for myself.

Naive no more: Only if you call my ex-boyfriend and ask him. Check, please!

So, maybe I can't date just like EVERY man. Some of them are jerks. =)