The Other Side of The Bed

I recently purchased a new mattress set to accompany my gifted "grown up" bed. The other was beyond shot and I was ready for the old inner springs to stop poking and laughing at my ribcage. A few weeks in to my new found love, I chuckled to myself that only one side of the bed would have an indentation. Sure my little guy sneaks in once he's sure I'm fast asleep, but he's just my extension as he lays right next to me. And alas, the other side reminds pristine and untouched.

As I lay there, I contemplated the other side being so incredibly neat and fluffy. Maybe it was supposed to remain new and fresh. One day when I'm ready to let go of the old routine, I will venture to that side. But for the time being I stay on my safe, comfortable side... the place where I know exactly how to position myself to get what I want the most. In this case it's a good night's sleep. But what about in the real world? I've been a self proclaimed mini warrior in my own life and quickly learned the difference between what I HAD to do, what I NEEDED to do, and what I WANTED to do. I've become so well versed in positioning myself to be close to someone, but still hold them at a distance. Can never be too safe, I'd tell myself. I especially choose men that are fun, edgy, bad- if you will- and do not have the capacity to be emotionally connected. Just skip that part, commitment is overrated right? If you date a man that can give you everything except the one thing you're scared of most then it's all safe? Right?!?? Isn't this how it's supposed to work?

A few weeks ago, I found myself at a crossroads with a friend. He's the "How you doin" kinda guy and we always seem to come back around to each other. He has a deep seated commitment fear that no woman in this lifetime will ever tear down and I accepted that along time ago. Then in a rare, out-of-character moment, he extended himself and expressed true emotion talking about a future, his kids, my kids, all these foreign areas our friendship had never ventured to. I was speechless. A year ago, I would have been JUMPING up and down to finally chip in to his barrier. But what did I do? After a very awkward silence, I did not reciprocate even the smallest gesture of reaching out and smashed every real emotion, connection, or feeling we ever shared. Flash and the moment, as well as the guy, was gone. I still think wow, didn't realize I would run. I was crazy for this guy at one point. I had put myself out there before and wasn't willing to do it again even when I had been WAITING to hear those things. But what if, at that pivotal moment, I did open up? I will never know. Instead, I neatly folded our friendship up like a used napkin and handed it back to him. I know he wasn't "the one" with a thousand reasons to back that, but he was someone I truly cared for and my reaction was shocking especially to myself. I had nailed this "date like a man" plan but it didn't feel good.... or right.

I did a little experiment last night. I scooted over to the untouched side of my bed just to try it out. Sure it was a bit uncomfortable; things felt out of place for a few minutes and I had to keep adjusting until it was a little closer to "normal." I'm tired of being the "at an arm's length" kind of woman. I don't want to never feel true love.... and happiness... and security again. As I lay there, I realized it wasn't THAT uncomfortable... it was actually kind of nice and refreshing. I must learn how to "let go" and discard that load of bricks from my past. I drifted off to sleep on the new side. When I awoke this morning, I was back on the safe, familar side. So maybe I'm not ready just yet, but it's a start. The welcomingly cool side felt great, even if just for a moment.