As much as I adore today's easy connections, it can have a price by allowing you a glimpse at "what might have been" or even the "what could be." Among all its wonder, it can be a medium to find lifelong connections that may just strike the core of your soul. And in reverse, it may be an avenue to forge unspeakable friendships and has the ability to ruin once-prized relationships. Where you draw that imaginary line can make or break you.
You know, I've always had an ugly disposition toward boundaries. I spent the last few years dealing with drastic changes and consequently, I felt I could handle absolutely anything. I learned to protect my heart and keep others- particularly men- at a distance. So why did one person, one completely unavailable man, seamlessly pry that door open when I didn't even see him pick the lock? It started by a simple "Hey, it's been a long time. How's life?" and has become something more but still should be nothing at all. It's my "what might have been" and I've eluded to it on a few occasions.
When I was 19, I met a guy stationed at Ft. Knox. He had brilliant eyes, a quick wit, infectious laugh, and obnoxious love of screaming-heavy metal rock. We spent hours talking about everything and nothing. I remember laying on his bed watching him hang his uniforms, thinking one day this would end and his life would resume some eight hours away. It was too much at that age... we were both just kids. I wasn't fond of anything military and didn't know how we fit. I walked away without so much as a goodbye. It was easier this way, I would tell myself because were just passing time with each other. He called my house on several occasions (even crying to my dad at 2 am so I've learned) but I just couldn't speak to him. I needed a clean break. His life was already planned out and I would be the one left standing alone. It seemed CMT played the Little Texas video for "What Might Have Been" on a loop. In it, the beautiful woman has one last dance with her military man before he leaves. It made cry every time. One day, I called the barracks only to learn he was gone.
I thought about him off and on over the years, hoping life was everything he wanted and happiness was shining brightly on him. Then technology struck and some 15 years later, we were exchanging pleasantries. In the middle of our first chat, he made my heart stop. Mid-conversation he says he's always wondered what would've happened if he'd just stayed in and took me with him where ever the army sent us. Then he went on typing other nonsense. Waaaaait, hold up..... explain that, I said. As he did, my heart dropped. All I had to do was ask him to stay he tells me later. When he called that night, I was giddy. His voice was exactly the same and his laugh felt so familar. We talked for hours and repeated that over the next several nights. It was an awakening. We had years to catch up on, his newer family, his life, my life. We hung up one night and I felt like HE was the MAN I've been missing. He was all man, no game-guy about him. His primary career (military is his second), his outlook, his planning, all man. And surprisingly, we still clicked, we still laughed, we finished sentences... but there could be no "we." Things were strained in his personal life and this was the worst time to bomb it with an ex-girlfriend. As the weeks passed, he prepared for deployment at a base away from home and our friendship grew. I felt like a teenager again, he felt alive.
Then he left. The day was circled on my calendar. I knew his family hugged and kissed him goodbye that day with strong hearts and heavy smiles. I quietly worked that night praying God would keep him safe. I wondered why he was in my life at that moment. Was this the closure we needed? It sure didn't feel like closure. Was something bad about to happen? Is this just a reminder of opportunities lost? Was this it? Then my phone rang. Running out of a patient room, I fumbled to answer it. It felt as if THAT moment was IT. He was at an air force base preparing to depart. Tears filled my eyes. I just knew I had to let him go. He asked if I was okay, I whispered yes. I was so relieved to hear his voice one more time, I knew I couldn't do it. It was bittersweet. I was so incredibly proud of someone I couldn't talk about. I was proud of the man he's become. I was proud to be his friend. I wanted to take back my choices from years ago. I wanted this life now, I've changed my mind. Don't throw it in my face now. He filled my void and I filled one for him as well. We hung up that night and I had never been more sure of anything in my life.
Days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months, waiting for an email, a quick long distance call, video chats muffled by helicopter sounds and long-range gunfire... Well, that puts things in perspective. Life goes on. Feelings may not change, but a clearer reality does. I'm not the only one that prays for him, that believes in him. I accept that. I've learned that his friendship, no matter how late, is important to me. I risk nothing but my heart, he risks it all by just being my friend. He's been specifically warned against it. If he walked away tomorrow, I would understand. I've learned that, at a minimum, I still have the ability to love someone- something I thought my EX stripped from me on our roller coaster. Drawing and maintaining that line has been quite difficult. We tiptoe up to it on occasion and it hurts to know he and I will always be just friends. But it lightens my heart to know I am still capable of true and genuine feelings, that he will always love me too "wherever this life takes us," and that for whatever reason, our ending wasn't determined in those concrete block barracks.
With that said, emotional bonds can be far more difficult than a physical encounter. These days, it's so easy to connect with your past, to discreetly bond, to fill specific holes. It's so incredibly easy to be swept into the intoxicating world of what-ifs and could-be. But as time passes, reality stomps that delicate line only to darken it. Feelings remain, but living in the world of "what if" is a huge gamble that may consume the right now. It may well spotlight connection problems in another's personal life and force them to evaluate what they have. That look may provide a chance to repair problems before it's too late, as I think will be the case with my friend. His happiness is most important to me and he owes it to his family to at least try to get back to the good life. This can't exactly be achieved when staying in consistent contact with an old friend. But how do you just ignore what has been there for years? My friend and I have no future, and yet no end. Funny how life is, right back to where we were so many years ago but the stakes are dramatically higher. Another tough lesson (but he's worth it and so is his family) and that's sometimes when you truly care about someone and want them to make unbiased choices, you learn to let them go. It's not goodbye... but "for now." Love stinks.
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