Well SOMEONE Has Balls... or uh, NERVE!

Well, well, well..... seems I'm a pushover, a softy, an empathetic person.... estupido! It all started as the holiday season was approaching. My ex-husband was griping daily that he was becoming more and more depressed. Our preschool son's announcement that daddy wasn't family because he didn't live in our house seemed to fuel the unhappiness fire. So that helped set the stage for the ex's attitude moving near the holidays. Depending on his stage in cycling through bipolar, this can go one of two ways. Either he is screaming at me for "breaking up" our family, throwing things into the Christmas tree (last year) and being a complete self-obsessed ass or the gloomy blues exact opposite. Think of Eeyore... oh me, oh my... life is soooo bad. I just want my family back. They are all that matters now.... (He forgets he chose to sneak around with a woman... no, not a woman.... a girl for over a year while I was pregnant with our 2nd child and my Mom was dying. Something as you may notice, I do NOT forget.)

Anyway, so this year it's Eeyore... life is horrible and even my son doesn't love me. So what do I do? I "extend" just a little, small, smidgen. I tell him he can sleep on the couch Christmas Eve to not miss the magic of Christmas morning. That's uneventful primarily due to him sleeping through the night and I had the honor of assembling toys in peace. Then Christmas night, I had to work. The kids have a living room FULL of new toys, and I won't be here anyway so let them (with him) stay here and play.... right???? WRONG! After being awake for over 24 hours, I come home from work that morning exhausted, ready to change my clothes and climb in bed. It's all I think about as I head towards my bedroom- whew! I made it through the busy day of Christmas then worked nearly 14 hours. As I step in to my bedroom, I pause at first in disbelief. Spread out across my bed with only boxers on, his boys hanging out and all, HE IS SLEEPING IN MY BED AND NEARLY NAKED. Get up! Get up! HEY, wake up! Get out of my bed! NOW! All I can think is crap, now I have to wash my sheets again.

See, this is a huge boundary issue for me and a major no-no for him. Remember the post of loving my new bed and mattress set? It goes along with the being a grown up, letting go of that ugly past... which is laying on my NEW outlook, MY space, NEW as in not for you. As in why the hell are you hanging out of your boxers anyway when our 5 yr old daughter and 4 yr old son are in this house?? As in GET OUT OF MY ROOM!! Geez, the nerve of him! Ya give an inch.....

2010

I'm one of those goofy little people that put true, honest efforts into New Year's resolutions. I get that bright-eyed, bushy-tailed thought process to look at what's not working, fix it, and make me a better person. I'm a list person. Love lists, stick to them too. Sometimes I will complete a task, realize it wasn't on the list, and scribble it down just to mark it off. Ahh, the feeling of accomplishment! I feel that same accomplishment of sorts when I blog moments. It allows me to organize thoughts, evaluate what's bothersome and to "empty my brain" of its internal pandemonium. Thoughts, feelings, and moments swirl above my head just as quickly as I can type. If they don't, it's the first surefire sign I need recheck my "honesty reflection." It is similar to creating resolutions for the new year. A time to step back, look at what you're not pleased with and fixing it. Sounds pretty simple huh? We'll see.... the more I look, the longer my list grows.... but life is a process...


Here's a sampling of goals:

1. Spiritually and Mentally Healthy-
Seek God and my purpose in this life. Stop asking why but learn from them. Don't allow the lessons of healing slip away. Apply this to life, create a solid foundation for my children. Stop being angry. Accept the losses and change. Focus on how to grow.

Also learn to better handle the relationship with Ex. Create and uphold boundaries to halt manipulative behaviors. Re-learn that I, nor anyone else, should find acceptance in being treated poorly. Forgive but don't give in. There has to be a balance but it has yet to be found. All I know at this point is what doesn't work. No more attempted highjackings over who has control of my life.

2. Financially Healthy-
Rework current debts. Work at least one extra shift each pay period to offset kid's school expenses. Re-establish and look to the future. And for my kid's sake, work enough extra to go on vacation this year, even if it is a short beach trip!! (Okay, ya got me- that one's definitely for me too!!)

3. Physically Healthy-
Lay off the sweet tea.... okay, just cut back. Incorporate more fresh seasonal vegetables and have a bigger garden this summer. Get registered for cancer insurance and get that stinkin colonoscopy. *Just in case.* Start doing more physical activity. Gym expenses are not in my budget, but on the first decent day- start walking around the block with kids again. Get to the park more. Until winter's passage, resume kickboxing in the living room. Made me feel great and also ready to kick someone's ass if need be. =)

4. Personally Healthy-
Stop making excuses to keep people away. I am by no means anti-social. I can laugh and have a great time with almost anyone. But it's just getting me out. I have guilt for leaving my kids even if it is a much needed break. I know being a mom is my #1 priority, but being me should come in a close second... right? I do talk to some of my wonderful chicas several times in a week, but moments of just being *me* are few and far between. And if you're most guys, pssh, you can forget it. Oops, that door just closed! Sorry! Try again some other time... most men just don't interest me. I can't help it. I've got myself in an interesting situation now that probably wouldn't go in the "healthy" category. But I'll plead my case for it in a future blog.

5. Professionally Healthy-
I have a few work goals that don't pertain as much to my resolutions as they do to my annual pay raise. So those will be met shortly... at the beginning of the year! Woohoo! Push it on outta the way. I do have a few others, but those can wait until I'm restless with the first 4 goals.

These may not be New Year's Resolutions so much as they are 2010 Goals. I can slip up here and there, but I hope to look back at the end of the year and see most items crossed off the list with scribbles of other accomplishments filled in and marked out in the margins.

Time, Time, Time!!!

I've had about 15 blog stories floating in my head for the past month but haven't found a way to put them to words. Like lyrics to a song, tempo is everything. One minute I'm ecstatic and the next, well not so much. It's amazing how one thing can make you happy and give heartache all at the same time. I wrestle feelings all the time. I blow things off I shouldn't then focus on moments in time that are irrelevant to my day.

Is life always this hard? Shouldn't things get easier at some point?!? I spend SO much time playing peacekeeper in one part of my life, that I am essentially dropping out of other parts. I do realize this is all quite general. I dread putting to words things I feel or think as it will force me to face true reality. I'm working through this.... and took a "good for me" step today by laying it out there in the neverending open for a friend to see. When my Mom passed, I told myself to never hold back, to always go with what you feel. Yet, I sit and wait and watch and listen and reflect. I thought I would always look forward, never looking back and yet, I find what's behind made me. And 99.8% of the time I've got it together. It's that pesky 0.2% that throws me. I'm waiting for the "full circle" to kick back in so I can be meeeee again. No regrets, no regrets, no regrets I tell myself.... and I usually believe. It's a difficult thing, this process of showing vulnerability. It's much easier to keep it all undercover and protected but that also means holding yourself back and I'm over that. I guess full circle isn't what I need in the end. It only gets you back to the point where things still weren't working.