Oh Momma Chiquita Banana

Three years.... three long, grueling short years. My Mom, my rock, my advisor, my friend has been gone. I am so incredibly blessed to be her daughter. Some people are never so lucky to feel a Mom's unconditional love. I was even more blessed that she prepared me for life's difficult times. While it hasn't been easy, I learned everyone has an inner strength that will prevail, but it's okay to lean on a friend while waiting for that surge.

The last few weeks of her life were swirled with emotions for me. Happiness, laughing, sharing stories about the millions of our silly times and memories. Then extreme sadness realizing our present times were soon going to be memories. We filled hours with endless chatter. I even carried with me a list of questions I wanted her thoughts on. We opened kitchen cabinets, took pictures and jotted down the stories behind her dishes, my grandmothers' dish, gifts from her sisters and so on. I am so thankful for that time. We spoke of things we never dared cover before. I wish it would have been done years ago when nothing was looming over our heads.

One early morning, I walked in to see Mom sitting on her bed, head bowed and looking at her hands. Those wonderful, loving hands were not attractive to her with their sun spots and freckles. I sat next to her in silence staring at our reflection in her mirror. "How did we get here?" I thought. Precious moments were ticking away. With her eyes fixated on her hands, she quietly spoke, "So this is how it ends..." I put my arm around her shoulder as she rested her head on me. I could feel my eyes fill with tears. She asked, "By Christmas?" I softly nodded. "Thanksgiving?" Again I nodded. "Soon?" I could only muster a partial nod to her question. No words would form in my mouth. "Okay" and a gentle headshake was her accepting response. And there we stayed, in the moment of acceptance and an unfamiliar roll reversal, in silence. Tears, one by one, rolled down my face. I stared at our image in the mirror trying to remember that moment forever. I wondered how she made it through her own mother's passing. As if reading my mind, she shared how I will make it and how I would get my siblings and Dad through this as well. In an unrehearsed moment of her own strength, she spoke softly as I closed my eyes and listened. We hugged one another and stayed that way well after the words ended. It was then, I'm positive, she transferred a large portion of her strength to me.

It's funny the things that stick in my head. While growing up, some of our best conversations involved her in the bathroom fixing her hair and putting on makeup. I would lay on her bed and talk while she was getting ready to go somewhere. I still see the face she makes while brushing the back of her hair or how she moved her mouth and cheeks when applying foundation all while conversing with me. Sunday, I was getting ready when Jadyn climbed on my bed and was babbling on and on. My first thought was "I don't have time! I have to get out of here or I'll be late for work." Then I felt myself carrying a big grin realizing these may be some of her favorite talks as well. I walked over and gently kissed her forehead. Pulling down my hand from her face, she exclaimed "Mommy, your hands look funny.... they have freckles!" Reflecting on their transformation over the past few years, I proudly responded "Yes, they do."


I posted the following comment a few years ago when asked about my hero:

My Mom took an unbeatable challenge, fought with everything she had, stayed longer than most expected and smiled every morning she woke up. Pity was not her thing, she was much more interested in living. She really showed me what matters most. "This too shall pass..."

Love you, miss you, always with you.

Success!

I am happy to report that my new, gorgeous inspiration shoes (see below) were finally christened tonight. After wearing them for 8 hours, I must admit my feet are thrilled to be out of those bad boys, but they looked great and I loved them. Maybe it wasn't the smartest idea to wear them on a night of dancing and lots of walking but a band-aid here and there made it all work. Woo hoo! Success.... and good night!

The Other Side of The Bed

I recently purchased a new mattress set to accompany my gifted "grown up" bed. The other was beyond shot and I was ready for the old inner springs to stop poking and laughing at my ribcage. A few weeks in to my new found love, I chuckled to myself that only one side of the bed would have an indentation. Sure my little guy sneaks in once he's sure I'm fast asleep, but he's just my extension as he lays right next to me. And alas, the other side reminds pristine and untouched.

As I lay there, I contemplated the other side being so incredibly neat and fluffy. Maybe it was supposed to remain new and fresh. One day when I'm ready to let go of the old routine, I will venture to that side. But for the time being I stay on my safe, comfortable side... the place where I know exactly how to position myself to get what I want the most. In this case it's a good night's sleep. But what about in the real world? I've been a self proclaimed mini warrior in my own life and quickly learned the difference between what I HAD to do, what I NEEDED to do, and what I WANTED to do. I've become so well versed in positioning myself to be close to someone, but still hold them at a distance. Can never be too safe, I'd tell myself. I especially choose men that are fun, edgy, bad- if you will- and do not have the capacity to be emotionally connected. Just skip that part, commitment is overrated right? If you date a man that can give you everything except the one thing you're scared of most then it's all safe? Right?!?? Isn't this how it's supposed to work?

A few weeks ago, I found myself at a crossroads with a friend. He's the "How you doin" kinda guy and we always seem to come back around to each other. He has a deep seated commitment fear that no woman in this lifetime will ever tear down and I accepted that along time ago. Then in a rare, out-of-character moment, he extended himself and expressed true emotion talking about a future, his kids, my kids, all these foreign areas our friendship had never ventured to. I was speechless. A year ago, I would have been JUMPING up and down to finally chip in to his barrier. But what did I do? After a very awkward silence, I did not reciprocate even the smallest gesture of reaching out and smashed every real emotion, connection, or feeling we ever shared. Flash and the moment, as well as the guy, was gone. I still think wow, didn't realize I would run. I was crazy for this guy at one point. I had put myself out there before and wasn't willing to do it again even when I had been WAITING to hear those things. But what if, at that pivotal moment, I did open up? I will never know. Instead, I neatly folded our friendship up like a used napkin and handed it back to him. I know he wasn't "the one" with a thousand reasons to back that, but he was someone I truly cared for and my reaction was shocking especially to myself. I had nailed this "date like a man" plan but it didn't feel good.... or right.

I did a little experiment last night. I scooted over to the untouched side of my bed just to try it out. Sure it was a bit uncomfortable; things felt out of place for a few minutes and I had to keep adjusting until it was a little closer to "normal." I'm tired of being the "at an arm's length" kind of woman. I don't want to never feel true love.... and happiness... and security again. As I lay there, I realized it wasn't THAT uncomfortable... it was actually kind of nice and refreshing. I must learn how to "let go" and discard that load of bricks from my past. I drifted off to sleep on the new side. When I awoke this morning, I was back on the safe, familar side. So maybe I'm not ready just yet, but it's a start. The welcomingly cool side felt great, even if just for a moment.

I Believe....

I wear a petite medallion around my neck engraved "Believe." That little word carries in it's letters so many different meanings and emotions. Sometimes I catch myself holding on to it when I need strength or a gentle reminder. I thought I'd share a sample of my random " I believe" thoughts.

I believe:

• Life is good.... even in the down turns. Strength comes from those dark moments.
• My Mom stands next to me often. I can smell her perfume and no one else is near.
• People waste too much energy being negative. Forgeddaboudit!
• I set an example for my kids every day, good or bad. I think my son will grow up to treat a woman right and hope my daughter will learn to never settle.
• Life is a balancing act. Everyone needs to learn to pick their battles and when to walk.
• Everyone wants to have their place in the world. The only question I have is that where you want to be or did you let someone else put you there?
• Girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with. (Sex And The City)
• I'm a bit crazy. You will often hear me singing "She's gonna make it after all" from the Mary Tyler Moore Show.
• Music is the easiest form of self expression. It often says what you can't verbalize.
• Every woman should have a friend to look her straight in the eye and say "What were you thinking?!?" when warranted with no repercussion on the friendship.
• She should also have a friend that encourages her to blaze a trail right off the straight line.
• I've found myself in my 30's and I wouldn't trade that for anything or age in this world.

I believe: (Here's where I go a little off the laa-dee-dah path)

• "....... I'll have another beer." It's my favorite thought some Saturday nights.
• Cell phones should stay at home when out with the girls. (Yes, it had to come after the "another beer" belief.) If you don't want them sober, don't get them when you're drunk!
• Men's razors are SO much better than women's. Why is that, really?!
• Weed trimmers should be redesigned. How about a nice little switch that says "Start." No more cranking and cursing.... This goes back to being an example to my kids btw.
• I was a fool to get black leather seats AND a sunroof in my car. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "hot ass." Youch!
• I don't need an "Easy Button." How about a nice little "F... You Button." Problems solved.
• I can do anything. Honestly, I do. Wonder Woman has nothing on me.... well, except for the fact that she never gets physically hurt.
• Confidence is the sexiest trait a woman can have. Stand up for what you believe and ignore the haters.

Most of all:

I believe:

• I am one lucky woman. Perfect children that GIVE ME life everyday, unbelievably great, supportive, and FUN friends that make me laugh until my belly hurts and all the wonderful women in my family It reminds me that I do belong and my Mom lives on. Just being around them makes me happy!!!! The men in my family aren't so bad either!

Cha- Cha- Cha- Changing!

DATE LIKE A MAN

DATE LIKE A MAN

DATE LIKE A MAN



MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN.

I'm cleaning out and these beautiful heels are my inspiration. Bye, bye fuzzball mommy jogging sets that have seen better days. Well hellllo, sexy!!!