Hmpf

What I wouldn't give to be able to pick up the phone and talk to my Mom today. 

(((sigh)))

Love you, miss you, always with you Momma Chiquita Banana.

A Day in the Life

One of those days.... one of those weeks.... and friendly reminders I should have truckloads of ibuprofen on hand. Here's just a sample:

* Flush the toilet in my bathroom and the handle breaks off in my hand. Now a member of the redneck club as the lid's off the tank so I can pull the chain to flush. Nice.

* Come home to find a strange, frothy bright orange substance vomited from one end of my living room to the other. Seems my dog's taste buds enjoyed old, discarded cosmetics more than her stomach. Scrub, steam clean, scrub and now just a delightful orange sherbet color reminder.

*Dropped my son off at preschool- 1st day and new school. Felt like I was the recipient of a hefty sucker punch.

*Spent 2 hours doing catchup work with my daughter after she missed a day of school- already. She chose to hit herself in the head with the pencil while I kept repeating "Pay attention!" 

*Screwed up a gas trimmer that is only a week old. Seriously a grrrrrrr!!!

*Spent half a day speaking with: the insurance company, an attorney, a police officer for advice, a behavioral health professional, and the kind people at my local AT&T store. Growing up's a bitch. 

*My beautiful little weeping cherry tree appears to be dying a slow death from neglect. Noticed too late.

*Strange light bulb issues- seems I walk by and pop! Two out in the kid's bathroom, darkness in my closet, and pulled the string off the fixture over my washer and dryer (again) and all in two days. Bizarro.

Some days you just have to laugh. Hardy har har. ;)

The Mighty Oak

When restless, I start looking to make changes. Some for entertainment and others out of sheer necessity. My most recent is for the latter and to save my children from yet another splinter-filled summer. I've spent HOURS tearing the dilapidated deck off my house and rebuilding a new and greatly improved shade-quenching one for my sunburned outdoor space. The new house doesn't have a single tree planted to take roots. Far different from the mighty Oak at my previous house, there's not a a bit of shade here. It's all open and unprotected. I pondered this while hammering the 136 nails into boards on the deck rails one afternoon. Protection.... what an interesting word. Dictionary.com states it is: the act of protecting or the state of being protected; preservation from injury or harm.

I realize that while the old house was my old life, there are a few things I miss from it. I adored that great Oak tree outside my dining room windows. I miss the shade it would cast into the upstairs bedrooms. The greatest storms would roll through and that tree stood tall and never wavering. The roots were strong and I never worried about its vulnerability. While living there, I thought I was joined with someone that was my protection and security, if you will. The toughest acceptance was realizing my protector was the one that actually destroyed it and took trust and a plethora of other mind-calming traits with it. 

Moving to the new house on a treeless lot gave me the opportunity for a fresh, unscripted start. I could finally take a deep breath and no longer felt I had a cinder block restraining me. Although I never want him back and that life is long gone, sometimes it's difficult to rely only on myself. Sometimes it would be comforting to rest my head at night knowing someone else has my best interest in mind too. Security is something a single woman just doesn't feel. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being independent, going about my business, and setting my own path. But it would be nice for just one night to hand over my fears to someone else and know I'm not in this alone.

The reality is I've only recently recognized the damage another person can do. I felt like I made it through the worst storms. I'm out, the kids are out, we are better now but the verbal and emotional abuse of the last few years have taken their toll. When things aren't as EX would like, I can surely expect him to spew every offensive and demeaning thought he has. Then it's a barrage of disgusting, belittling texts until my phone reaches capacity. Dependent on his "cycling" this may continue for hours, even days sometimes. I used to make a joke of it but the reality is I would rather be punched in the face repeatedly than subject myself to his immeasurable tactics. At least I could visibly see the damage and recognize this is NOT okay. I would never openly give him the satisfaction of crumbling, but it's difficult at times. The protection that was once so comforting is now what creates my biggest vulnerability. 

Tonight, I sit on the new covered deck looking into the yard. It's full of kid toys, swingset, pool and yet it feels so empty. Protection and security are not things you can see, but what you feel. It's having faith that those strong roots will hold even the heaviest branches up during trying times. I'm sure my mighty Oak in New Albany is standing tall even after the worst storms. I'm still standing as well and someday I will be as tall again too. Until then, I'm planting a few trees in this barren yard and you can bet one will be a mighty Oak.

I Believe....

I wear a petite medallion around my neck engraved "Believe." That little word carries in it's letters so many different meanings and emotions. Sometimes I catch myself holding on to it when I need strength or a gentle reminder. I thought I'd share a sample of my random " I believe" thoughts.

I believe:

• Life is good.... even in the down turns. Strength comes from those dark moments.
• My Mom stands next to me often. I can smell her perfume and no one else is near.
• People waste too much energy being negative. Forgeddaboudit!
• I set an example for my kids every day, good or bad. I think my son will grow up to treat a woman right and hope my daughter will learn to never settle.
• Life is a balancing act. Everyone needs to learn to pick their battles and when to walk.
• Everyone wants to have their place in the world. The only question I have is that where you want to be or did you let someone else put you there?
• Girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with. (Sex And The City)
• I'm a bit crazy. You will often hear me singing "She's gonna make it after all" from the Mary Tyler Moore Show.
• Music is the easiest form of self expression. It often says what you can't verbalize.
• Every woman should have a friend to look her straight in the eye and say "What were you thinking?!?" when warranted with no repercussion on the friendship.
• She should also have a friend that encourages her to blaze a trail right off the straight line.
• I've found myself in my 30's and I wouldn't trade that for anything or age in this world.

I believe: (Here's where I go a little off the laa-dee-dah path)

• "....... I'll have another beer." It's my favorite thought some Saturday nights.
• Cell phones should stay at home when out with the girls. (Yes, it had to come after the "another beer" belief.) If you don't want them sober, don't get them when you're drunk!
• Men's razors are SO much better than women's. Why is that, really?!
• Weed trimmers should be redesigned. How about a nice little switch that says "Start." No more cranking and cursing.... This goes back to being an example to my kids btw.
• I was a fool to get black leather seats AND a sunroof in my car. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "hot ass." Youch!
• I don't need an "Easy Button." How about a nice little "F... You Button." Problems solved.
• I can do anything. Honestly, I do. Wonder Woman has nothing on me.... well, except for the fact that she never gets physically hurt.
• Confidence is the sexiest trait a woman can have. Stand up for what you believe and ignore the haters.

Most of all:

I believe:

• I am one lucky woman. Perfect children that GIVE ME life everyday, unbelievably great, supportive, and FUN friends that make me laugh until my belly hurts and all the wonderful women in my family It reminds me that I do belong and my Mom lives on. Just being around them makes me happy!!!! The men in my family aren't so bad either!