Crossing Paths

A few weeks ago I had a patient in her mid 70's, quite soft spoken with gentle eyes and a gracious smile. I completed my nursing assessment as she spoke about the great grandson that just left her room. Concentrating on the crumpled Kleenex in her hand, she quietly said he was there only to get money for pills. I sat at the foot of her bed as she spoke of the situation. I knew what she was feeling. I knew the fear of watching someone in the bowels of pill addiction. I knew the pain it inflicted on a family. The hopelessness. The frustration. Even the disgust. She spoke for several minutes, careful to concentrate on the tissue's wrinkles I decided to share a bit of my experiences with my ex-husband. Issues I still struggle with today. She looked up at me and said, "We just can't save them, can we?" I sympathetically agreed and she tearfully asked I not let her great-grandson re-enter. I promised.

For the next 45 minutes, I listened intently as she spoke of her tumultuous first marriage. I learned how she freed herself and four children from the alcoholic wrath of their philandering father. I learned how she worked various and multiple jobs to make it; how this petite, gentle woman chased her ex-husband down the street carrying the knife she was peeling potatoes with when he plucked their youngest son out of the yard. She spoke of the financial and emotional struggle just to wake up and "pretend happy" everyday. This happened some 50 years ago and yet, the sadness in her eyes would seem as if it were just yesterday. I told her a bit more about my struggle.... with my ex-husband, my children, with men in my life, with trusting anyone. She smiled softly, nodding ever so slightly each time reassuring she understood all too well. As we sat there a little teary eyed, I attempted to lighten the mood. Speaking in a happier tone I asked, "When you remarried, did this man come along and just sweep you off your feet?" I was secretly hoping for the "happily every after" ending I don't believe in but wish for more than anything. Chuckling lightly, she said he is 14 years her senior, and had a stable, well paying job in construction when they met and married a few years after her divorce. She talked how he has been a wonderful father to her children. They moved out of the city and built a large home on several acres.With a reminscent look, she added he came along when she didn't know what to do next and he literally saved them.

What she shared next has just stuck with me. It's filled the space when my mind wanders, when I'm driving down the road, or even scrubbing the sink. It's made me question the "refuse to settle" belief I've held for the past 5 years. Looking up from her hands clutching the now shredded tissue, her soft eyes filled with an almost apologetic look she said, "I never loved him like you're supposed to love a man. Like you're supposed to love your husband. I don't trust him, even now after all these years and he has never crossed me. Not even once. I never had "those" feelings for him. But my kids.......  my kids love him still to this day more than I could have ever hoped. He was exactly what they needed. And boy does he love them." Fully smiling now she said, "He's in his 90s now and they drive him all over the place. They don't miss any of his doctor's appointments. They love him and he loves them as if they've always belonged together. I would do it all again exactly the same for them." Pausing she quietly added, " But I wouldn't do it again for me. It's not all about us, now is it?"

I ponder her inner thoughts. Is this what happens when you've been scarred or jaded from life? Is this what it comes down to? You choose what your children need versus what you want? You can't have both? It sure feels that way. I find the man that would be a good, solid father figure for them to rely on ends up being a man I can care about but never truly love. Have I been selfish all this time, refusing to settle for anything less than that truly, madly, deeply feeling for myself but sacrificing stability for them? The sadness in her eyes tells me it can't be the right answer, but the glowing happiness her face beamed when speaking of her children and their "father" tells me it is somewhere in the answer. She did not come to this decision lightly. I need to think about specific choices I make and if it will benefit both me and the kids. The fact is, for women with children all on their own, it's never just about us. It's not about holding out for that fairy tale. I've prided myself on "making it" just me and my kids. The way I get by in life is more than acceptable but the men I spend my time with and keep completely separate from my children, deprives them of a very important relationship. A relationship I can't make up for. A relationship they need. This petite little woman chose her children's happiness and a stable life over her own butterflies. Feelings which fade somewhat as time goes by. While a part of me thinks I can still have it ALL, the reality is after 5 years I have yet to find it quite possibly because it does not exist. I want my kids to have the next 50 or so years with a good man in their life to love as a father and that will love them as his children. I may be lost at times, but I do know without a doubt, I want THAT for them. I am so thankful this insightful little woman and I crossed paths. I can't help but think there was a greater reason. Maybe the message isn't about "settling" but readjusting what WE need.    I do know the most private thoughts she shared have lingered in my head for weeks now and I intend to learn from her life as well.


Interestingly enough, the children's biological father never straightened up and eventually "fell out" of their life. When he passed, the man's wife called the now adult children asking them to pay his burial expense as they had nothing. They obliged only out of respect that they were born from him as well. It saddens me to know that was their final interaction with him. I fear a similar path for my own children...  I am, however, certain their life was much richer and happier with their one true dad.

Single Catch of the Century

So I decided to give online dating another try. I mean the probability that Mr. Right (Now) will come knocking on my door while I'm sitting on the couch are slim to none. Well, unless you exclude the lawn care guy whom I thought was pretty cute but way too short and (I'm certain) way too young, but I digress. Joining the dating site was actually a bit of an ego boost when you look at the NUMBER of men that either "winked" at me or sent an email interested. When you look at the QUALITY, well it's a generous reminder that it takes all kinds in this world to make it go round.

I HAD to post this correspondence in hopes to either warn women, provide some comic relief, and just to prove that the majority of our population could use medication or an inpatient psychiatric stay... or both. It's lengthy, but well worth the time. Happy reading!!

Rick here. confident, but not arrogant.

Hello my name is Rick. I am looking for a fun loving, intelligent, attractive, spontaneous partner. These are all qualities which I possess and am willing to share. I have a big heart and am always aware of those less fortunate. I volunteer in my community and have even tolerated serving at the soup kitchen. I'm a very down to earth person who eschews superficial, phony, materialistic people. I believe in the inner beauty that every person possesses. I am a big believer in environmental causes and have done my part to save the earth. You must love animals as I do. I support many causes for animals. I am willing to tolerate a pet as long as it is clean. I believe the body is a temple and eat healthy and work out regularly and would expect the same from my partner. Working out is pretty much an expectation however please don't be one of those overweight sweaty women who have been showing up at the club. I am a food and wine connoisseur with an impeccable palate. I have dined at some of the finest restaurants in the world and can order in French, Italian, and Spanish. I am very well educated and can carry on conversations on a wide range of subjects from philosophy to world politics. I also have an ability to converse with those less well educated than myself, however I would need to know the educational background of any potential mate. I am very attractive physically and while I keep an open mind, if you would like to be considered in the running, please submit your measurements. I am not a fan of plastic surgery however I know everyone is not as fortunate as myself. I will consider those who have undergone cosmetic surgery as long as it turned out. I take an interest in people's occupations and their career path. Could you tell me about your work history and your current salary? I wish all of you well however I will only be responding to a select few. Good luck.

My Reply  
You clearly have one of two things going on. Either you need medication or you are so tired of dating that you have decided to make a game of it. Either way, it is not shocking that you are still single. Good luck to YOU!

His Response
RE: Rick here. confident, but not arrogant.
You are very perceptive about the content. Sorry I just couldn't help myself when reading your profile. I did enjoy reading your profile and when I read the part "confident, but not arrogant", I just couldn't rsist turning that over to Rick. How do you like your irony? Yeah I know Rick is arrogant and obnoxious but that's just the way I like him. I wouldn't have sent Rick anyway if I didn't like your profile. Sometimes Rick is so subtly obnoxious it can be hard to tell where he is coming from. I take it since you didn't include your measurments you didn't find Rick appealing. In some ways Rick may be disturbingly real. In that case I want you to meet Geraud. To say that Geraud is different, but far less subtle is an understatement. Watch out for Geraud's message, it's interesting.

Thanks for the reply.




His Response Part 2
Exciting, but not psychotic Geraud well maybe not
Hi my name is Geraud.I am looking for someone who is fun loving, outgoing, and vicious. A good sense of smell is a big plus. I saw your pictures and think you are really lukewarm. I think with some work you could have a really nice smile. I may not be the dumbest tool in the shed but I can see right through superfacial people. I think that its very important to be accepting of all people and ideas and reach out to help those less fortune. I am not a maternalistic person. I love all animal feecies. Mostly I like lizards, rare birds, and other erotic animals. I am however allergic to moles which means I cant attend Pauls rituals anymore. I like midgets they look up to me. That is a joke. I have a good sense of humor ladies. I enjoy deep stimulating covservation but im not looking for a brain scientist. I really detect stupid burnettes.

Some deputy from the shariffs apartment made me shave my mullet. I not sure but he may have violated my constipational rights. I saw that guy Harry that lives down the hall this morning. He gave me an obese jesture. I hate him. That girl Dora Dale Jean in my GED class sits in front of me and has gas. I call her phartpounder but not to her chest. She is very large and intimating. She has a shitzoo named skippy. What a stupid name. He doesnt. I am sick of her bothering me and telling me she loves me. I think she is infected with me.

Thats enough about me I dont want you to get two excited. Id like to know more about you. Just tell me what your measuremints are and how much you make. Also Id like to know if you have a crimnal record. even if you dont i still may be interested.




My Reply 
 Hit that block button and secretly wonder if it's my ex-husband being his lovely psychodramatic self. I also decided I should start "dolling" myself up....never know who I'll meet sitting around the house... well except for the church ladies that keep knocking on my door adamant that I need to be saved. Pfffft!