Don't You Ever, Ever Feel.....

So many women in this world think they are "less than" and I'm no different. After doggy paddling the past few years, I found an anchor attached to my life jacket. It's not EX, the job, the kids, the house, various guys I've dated. It's far more personal and intimidating. It's ME. It's my way of thinking, it's how I internally negative talk. It's how I view my world. It's how I perceive myself. It's about my looks. It's about my personality. It's about how I *think* I'm never quite good enough. I didn't used to beat myself up like this. After talking to many girlfriends about self doubt, negative talk, insecurity, I realize this may just be you too. And along came P!nk at a great time, when I needed a song to blare in the car, sing off key, whip me back, to recognize what I was doing (and psssht, I've been paying a shrink to do this. The $1.29 download price would have been a MUCH better deal! Only kidding, the shrink is wonderful too- but that's another blog.) Enjoy the girl power moment ladies!

Heaven Sent

I awoke at precisely 3:09 am smiling ear to ear. I had been holding my Mom's hand and it was wonderfully comforting. The words she spoke were echoing in my head. Strength, encouragement, such familiarity. I stirred around for a moment enjoying how she always lifts me up. Then a sickening feeling washed over me, confusion set in. "Wait a minute," I whispered glancing around my bedroom dimly lit from the hallway. Where is she? Is she here? Oh no, no, no. She's not. But she WAS just here.... wasn't she? Loneliness immediately rushed out the peaceful feeling. It felt as I was reliving her death again. I've dreamed about her only a few times since she passed. But this one, this one was REAL. It couldn't have been a dream. I held her hand, I could FEEL her hugging me. I ran my fingers over her wedding rings as we talked. I told her I couldn't see her, my vision was blurry. She calmly said she is right here. I ask her why I can't see her... my eyes just won't work, she repeats that she is right here. My hand never left hers. I FELT her next to me while we talked. I can't believe it wasn't real! What a cruel trick, I thought. What a mean joke to play on someone feeling the loss now more than ever. I want to return to that dream, I didn't know it wasn't real now I wish it wouldn't have ended. Tears roll down my face now as I think about it. I will never get over her death. It would define who I am today if I let it.

Times have been tough lately. Mentally, physically, financially. I have moments of sheer unrelenting desires to scream "I GIVE UP!!!" until my voice gives way. Then a sweet innocent face will say "Momma" and I remember why I fight so hard to keep our little family together and running. My kids look to their mom just as I looked to my own. We are the "little engine that could" family and have conquered many mountains together already. But I have a struggle that is all my own now. I started reading "Motherless Daughters" in a quest for healing and peace. While I can't say it has sped up healing, there's comfort in numbers even when you feel like the only lost soul. I distantly remember my Mom's pain when her mother passed. It was life altering for her as well. I suppose every woman will be forced into this club at one time or another, kicking and screaming as I have. I mistakenly thought my hardest moment was that storming night and I softly spoke "Go with God Momma" as she took her last breath. I prayed she would not take another. I wanted this fight to end for her. I looked to the clock and announced her time of death. Later, my aunt would ask how I knew that was her last. All I could say was I could feel it. I thought that was the toughest moment of my own life. Little did I know, the worst is actually here and there and strikes with such reverence it forces out my own breath... and hope.

My sister and I have been disconnected as of late, so we set out on a short road trip today, gabbing the whole way. We talked of her growing photography business, our kids, the random updates in our lives. As our chatter slowed, I told her about my dream. The tears mutually started, something we do well together. She said, "Oh, that WAS Mom. She WAS there. She knew you needed her." I nodded in agreement but still wondering if it was just a dream. Hours later, I received disappointing news. I spent all evening frustrated and upset. My sister's words came back. I was shocked at how "spot on" she was and how skeptical I have become. But it just makes sense. There is no other answer. Mom knew I was going to have one of those "Give Up" moments today. She knew my faith has been stretching thin. She knew I needed a reminder that she IS, in fact, still right here. I DID talk to her at three am in the silence of my bedroom. She was here. I hugged her. I held her hand. She told me she loved me. Sometimes my faith drifts. Sometimes I think I'm being tested beyond what a "normal" person can handle. I get frustrated. I get angry. I question everything. Maybe the answer is quite simple. Maybe I've been looking everywhere but at the moment that started a drastic change in my life and ended hers on earth. Maybe the answer is the last thing I spoke to her... "Go with God" in everything- my beliefs, my fears, my worrisome nights, and that's all I need to know. Maybe now it's up to me to believe.


*My little boy (my Mom's "bonus baby") has been sleeping next to me while I blogged. As I finished the last sentence, he awoke, sat up, hugged me and went straight back to sleep. God... and love... works in ways we don't always understand. But if we close our eyes and choose to believe, then it's even more than we ever hoped to see. Thanks Momma Chiquita for sending the hug too.

Love you, miss you, always with you.

I Believe....

I wear a petite medallion around my neck engraved "Believe." That little word carries in it's letters so many different meanings and emotions. Sometimes I catch myself holding on to it when I need strength or a gentle reminder. I thought I'd share a sample of my random " I believe" thoughts.

I believe:

• Life is good.... even in the down turns. Strength comes from those dark moments.
• My Mom stands next to me often. I can smell her perfume and no one else is near.
• People waste too much energy being negative. Forgeddaboudit!
• I set an example for my kids every day, good or bad. I think my son will grow up to treat a woman right and hope my daughter will learn to never settle.
• Life is a balancing act. Everyone needs to learn to pick their battles and when to walk.
• Everyone wants to have their place in the world. The only question I have is that where you want to be or did you let someone else put you there?
• Girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with. (Sex And The City)
• I'm a bit crazy. You will often hear me singing "She's gonna make it after all" from the Mary Tyler Moore Show.
• Music is the easiest form of self expression. It often says what you can't verbalize.
• Every woman should have a friend to look her straight in the eye and say "What were you thinking?!?" when warranted with no repercussion on the friendship.
• She should also have a friend that encourages her to blaze a trail right off the straight line.
• I've found myself in my 30's and I wouldn't trade that for anything or age in this world.

I believe: (Here's where I go a little off the laa-dee-dah path)

• "....... I'll have another beer." It's my favorite thought some Saturday nights.
• Cell phones should stay at home when out with the girls. (Yes, it had to come after the "another beer" belief.) If you don't want them sober, don't get them when you're drunk!
• Men's razors are SO much better than women's. Why is that, really?!
• Weed trimmers should be redesigned. How about a nice little switch that says "Start." No more cranking and cursing.... This goes back to being an example to my kids btw.
• I was a fool to get black leather seats AND a sunroof in my car. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "hot ass." Youch!
• I don't need an "Easy Button." How about a nice little "F... You Button." Problems solved.
• I can do anything. Honestly, I do. Wonder Woman has nothing on me.... well, except for the fact that she never gets physically hurt.
• Confidence is the sexiest trait a woman can have. Stand up for what you believe and ignore the haters.

Most of all:

I believe:

• I am one lucky woman. Perfect children that GIVE ME life everyday, unbelievably great, supportive, and FUN friends that make me laugh until my belly hurts and all the wonderful women in my family It reminds me that I do belong and my Mom lives on. Just being around them makes me happy!!!! The men in my family aren't so bad either!