Round and Round

Late Entry. Blog post for April 17, 2010.

Soo, Playa... I am over his flipflop, dillydally attitude. But still, there's something  that annoyingly keeps him in my head. I drop kick him out, he comes back after a few months. While I no longer seriously entertain the idea, I can't figure out why I even listen. It's clear we will never give the other what they need. So why bother? He and I have talked about how we're never on the same page at the same time. So what is it?!? Randomly and when I least expect it, he's pops back. It's all cautious when he's not sure if I'm going to hear him out or rip his head off. Next is a phone call saying he was going to stop by but didn't know if my man would be here. I don't correct him to divulge that the only man in my life is 4 yrs old. The conversation ends after an hour by saying if I ever want to go riding (motorcycle) then give him a call. And there it is, he props the door open again. Those that know me also know that I'm almost infatuated with motorcycles and speed evoking adrenaline. But I'm just too tired to play this game. He likes the chase and I drive with a flat tire.

In text talk with my bff about Blue (after all she and my sister fully interrogated this man while I was in the loo), I mentioned that he was a history buff and seemed, well, possibly just a shade on the side of too safe. No, I don't want to say boring, he's incredibly funny so let's say mellow. Here's how the text convo proceeded:

Me (About him): His Interests are learning about our founding fathers and the Constitution. Fave quote is by Thomas Jefferson. Fave book is Liberty and Tyranny.... this guy may run for office some day... I'd hate to ruin that for him...

BFF: He's a history buff which is a much cheaper habit than gambling, drugs and various bizarre obsessions such as bobbleheads.

Me: Just sayin....

BFF: Whatever. The minute he didn't turn up on a bike with another woman on the back and a cig out of his mouth and the popo following him , u lost interest.

Me: Omg, I love you. I reallllly do. U may know me a bit too well.

BFF: I just described ur most recent fantasy, didn't I? Bet I was even there standing on the walk asking u not to go as u hopped on the back and rode away.

Me: Umm, well.... Huh. Maybe? U actually had hand on hip, shakin ur head and rollin ur eyes, lol.

BFF: Boy this all sounds really familiar.

Me: And then you tell me to shut the hell up as I whine that some bitch was callin him baby...

BFF: And ur surprised.... again.

She has the scenario pegged. I love it that she also coached me on what I can and can't say to Blue. The legitimate concern is that he may just hightail it if he knows too much too quickly. It's clear if I screw this one up (and I always do) I will have to answer to BFF. She thinks I'm nuts, she knows I need a stable, available MAN in my life. But why do I have that burning attraction for bad boys? Is it possible that I've lived in such chaos for so many years that I've confused stability for boring? Heartbreak for excitement? Thrill for happiness? I've always liked things a little on the wild.... but I'm tired of pumping air back in for one more lap. It's TIME to grow up... at least a little.

"Sometimes, You just have to get away with the girls."

Waaaahoooo! I'm ready for a GNO for this!!!


I need to focus and get a few things done... like the three blog posts I've started but have yet to finish. Maybe because each has no ending, maybe because each is a bit personal, maybe because I am usually "On it" but when I'm off.... I'm 4-wheelin. Found the map (or should I say GPS??) and will be back on track shortly. Time to knock the dirt off my heels!

Being a REAL Woman and Single Mom Means....

.....you can't remember it ALL all the time. I went for my annual exam, stripped down and threw on the gown. I  fear my gynecologist will open the door as I'm standing stark naked for the office to see. Seriously, who cares! She delivered my first baby, she's seen it all and will again in a few minutes. But anyway, I hop up on the table actually enjoying a few minutes of quiet. I laugh looking at myself in a hospital gown and socks until I realize.... I have on two different socks. As I go to yank them off in a not so discreet fashion, the doctor walks in. It was perfect timing to find me in a most bizarre position, alone and naked. I explain, she laughs, and it's on about the business. As I get dressed, another revelation occurs. Seems I should pay more attention to other things too. I went to the tanning bed a few days prior in an attempt to erase fifteen tan lines. I burnt myself just a smidgen in areas that NEVER see sunlight... and it was now peeling and flaky..... I'm glad I usually only see her once a year.

*Last week, my cousin blogged about her hair ornament and her gyno visit. I chuckled.... paybacks!

All In A Name

Do you ever need to have a private discussion in a not-so secluded location? It's not necessarily the subject but rather "who's who" of the chatter. I was clearing out texts and chuckled at the perfectly conceptualized nicknames created or earned by various people in... or out of my life. EX used to be quite the snooper (remember boundary issues?) and I originally did this to blanket protection for myself as well as friends. Sounds like the beginning of a CrimeStoppers show, huh? Names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved. Just to share:

Advisor- One fantastic gf that listens to issues and dishes advice as needed. We're all over the board too- makeup, clothing, music. She's younger and gives me a healthy spin on occasion.

Diva- This woman and I think so much alike it's scary. We make similar choices in the love area (so we are both wrong!) that we'll never run out of things to banter. The big difference- she is much more diva fabulous than I. She keeps the whole package up- the hair, the nails, the clothes. And she ALWAYS looks pulled together. Me? Not so much.

Hot Date- A gf that loves to go out and have a good time. We're on the same wave so it works. Her nm was born when EX pickpocketed my cell. It is certainly none of his business to know a bit about my friends, male or female so let him conclude what he wants. Besides, she's gorgeous and IS my hot date for night's out and would be for a guy too if she weren't married. Love her husband by the way, he's "Rusty Balls" but that's a COMPLETELY different story and not what you would think, sorta.

Train- Ex-bf of mine that was a train conductor. Simple nickname for a simple kinda man. He's so sweet but a bit too country. 

Superman- His name was Clark. That's it. I never ended up going out with him. EX saw this on my phone and wouldn't let our son watch Superman or play with those toys for a good 2 months. I'm not joking.

Mitchell- Seems one friend couldn't remember his name, but rather his podunk hometown. Really it should have been: Possessive, Aggressive, Chopperhead, something along those lines. 

Psych- The family therapist I keep saying I'll go out with. He's nice enough, attractive enough, but eh... not quite sure. He asks, I say yes we need to get together, but well... I worry that I'll be the lead subject in a psychoanalysis book "Days and Nights of a Crazy Lady and Her Psychodrama: A Melodrama"  instead of a dinner companion. Even disregarding human nature, his career is to analyze people and their situations and I could keep this man busy for YEARS. This could go really, really bad.

Big, Playa, Deek, Thug- Yes, all those names collared by one. He started as Big- very tall and just as emotionally unavailable as SATC's Big. Then to Playa as he loves the dating game (see Game Over entry). Then edited to Deek and only because I'm a lady and can't openly call a guy a penis. And alas, Thug. Let's just say his arrest record surprised me.... even after he forewarned me of his murky past. Seems he encompasses the last few months as "the past" as well. Pending issues. 

Blue- Just met Blue this past weekend. This nickname took a great deal of consideration. His shirt was blue. Yeah, real soul searching although his nm should be Baby Blue... He's 6 years my junior and that's a huge sticking point but more because he has no kids, never been married.. items I've checked off my "To Do" list and WILL NOT be adding them back. He's cute, super nice and must give it a shot if he STILL wants to go out after Diva and I got him thrown out of a bar with us. Talked for two hours tonight. Will reserve it for a future blog when I know more. 

There's more. Just look at someone and an imaginary bubble sporting a nickname will fluff over their head. Try to be nice too. You don't want to sound to horribly cynical. I learned this after nicknaming someone Fatty-  eh, still rude even if there was truth.. and a story behind it. Imposter would have been more fitting. There's JSwagga, TT (aka Tall Trooper), OMG- perfect, Zele aka Detroit, Roc, Army (guess who from previous blogs), then names given to other friend's men- Divo, Commish, Player (not to be confused with Playa), Rehab, 12, her Army. You get the picture. Set up shop in the middle of a crowded place and have a full discussion with your advisors, divas, and hot dates worry free. I like it.

Favorite Saying

In the endless chatter between myself and Diva Cousin, a new motto for the male drama we share spewed from my lips. Here goes it:

Man UP or Boy OFF!!

Must say, I'm kind of feeling it. Would love to say it to a particular guy. Notice there's no room  for a GUY. Either be a MAN or return to your juvenile adolescence to be clearly tagged BOY and marked off my list... please. Save me some time. Thank you, that's all for now.

MY March Madness Bracket

Thirty six, treinta y seis, trente-six, trentasei... my birthday number for the year. I've officially graduated to the "box" that insinuates if you're 36 then you might as well be 40... Ya know, in questionnaires I've moved from the 20-25 girl years of spontaneous road trips, FINALLY legally buying alcohol and no worry times. In the 26-30 bracket, it was a less girl to more woman transformation- marriage, a real career, buying a home, having my first baby. Onward and ripping through 31-35, another wonderful baby then the girl in me disappeared and life turned quite serious. Major changes, significant losses. All woman, no girl and unrelenting pressure. Now to drop that bracket and check the 36-40 box, the "age" of my attitude adjustment.

I've always loved my birthday and never dreaded gaining a year, I look younger than my chronological age, or so I've heard. I've always been on the athletic side. "Ohh, that will change when you hit 30" I was told. Well, I had a baby at 30 and shrunk back to my "below average" weight. I had another baby, and again, went right back to my pre-baby weight without ever hitting the gym. God bless genetics. Now before you smack me, please note that the only guarantee in life is that things are constantly changing... well, and that you will die some day, but I digress. Peculiar things happened between my 35th and 36th year, and here are some nitpicking observations.

YEARS ago I saw a Golden Girl's episode where my fave, Blanche, said all women KNOW that missionary is the ONLY favorable position. When questioned, she suggested that her face still looked flawless in that position and is a sore sight when she's "on top." Last week, I leaned OVER a mirror on the counter to tweeze my brows and about fell over. Wowwy!! I had NO idea, my face could even LOOK like that. Cartoonishly scary. Go try it, seriously. I'll wait.......

Quietly over the last couple of years, I've put on about 15 pounds. I needed to gain a few and like it for the most part. I actually have a decent bosom, something that was nonexistent in the "stick years." Post-child nursing, I've learned the importance of "push-up" bras (not padded!) to get the girls back up where they belong. And I actually have a booty. None of the women in my family have a butt, literally. My family is FULL of flat-ass women, it's the trademark. I may get kicked out of the club for this. I kinda like my mirror reflection... but this is enough, NO MORE!

I recently started running. First, my right foot started hurting- no surprise- I've had foot surgery. Changed up the shoes and at it again. Now my knee is filled with a chronic ache... along with the foot. I had to add some jamming music in my ears to drown out my panting and gasping for air as I felt each step pound the pavement. It shocked me when I heard my breathing in the momentary silence between songs. I'm surprised the neighbors haven't called an ambulance as of yet.

For my bracket, there's no specific fashion division. You can either go too young and foolishly dress like a teenager or into the world of elastic waistbands, cardigans, and Dr. Scholls. Where does a 36-40 woman find age appropriate, and yet FUN clothing... and on a single mom's budget?!? My aunt gave the BEST advice a few years ago. She told me to show as much skin as I want NOW because there'll be a time that I'll want to cover it up. I never knew what she meant... but I'm getting the hint now. My skin is changing. I am developing laugh lines, frown lines, curious lines, fine lines. Sun/age spots are popping by to say hello.... admittedly, I did nothing to stave those off in my teens and twenties. I naturally have jet black hair and look better with a little sun. Without it and considering black is my favorite clothing color, I look like a gothic cult ringleader. So back to the clothing dilemma, no short-shorts here but fitted clothing not requiring an orange peel for removal are a go. Then heels for dressier nights out. I can't believe I used to fear heels. Wearing them makes me feel "pulled together" and grown up. I don't feel like such a child, my legs look killer long, and the posterior looks better. Still, heels make my running foot hurt... I may have to stop running....

Unladylike noises. Hey now! Stop thinking THAT way! I was talking about those ridiculous noises made when getting off the floor, squatting down to reach the bottom shelf at the grocery, picking your child up to put them in the car... uhhh or ughh sounding noises. I catch myself doing it all the time. Is there a timer in my uhhh brain I can shut off for a while to silence that??

Other random aging thoughts: I have to dye my hair. I have WHITE sprouts that MUST be concealed. As a bonus, once the color begins to fade, those white hairs tricked black actually reflect as little brown. Bam, instant highlights! As for makeup, I get LOST in the foundation department scrutinizing each bottle's guarantee for "age defying, pore concealing, line refining" tricks. After 10 grueling minutes, I make my purchase only to later find it was the wrong tint. Grrrr! How am I supposed to guess this by looking at a "swatch" on the shelf label?! Can you tell single mom budget prevails here too?!? And on that note, I purchased the generic Oil of Olay to save a buck only to cringe later. It read "Beauty Fluid"... Why in the sam hell would they call it fluid?!? Maybe it's my offbeat humor, but it sounds disgusting!! Works the same though, fyi.

I could fill this with changes (my hair's not as curly, nails are more brittle, fingers are bonier, etc) but it must stop somewhere! I only recently started noticing fashion, hair, makeup, and the like. Single woman-dom will do that. I don't run out and buy "must-haves" but I do notice. Thank goodness everything changes- the bad times, fashion boos, uneven haircuts (something I am experiencing right now). Being stagnant can be dangerous. People SHOULD change with age and (hopefully) new, insightful wisdom is along for the ride. Now I have another year to enjoy and more birthday candles to blow out. Keep the oxygen tank handy!

Secrets of the House

Paint toenails with metallic nailpolishes for warmer weather. The metallic hides imperfections even when the tootsies need another coat. Small chips are nearly undetectable. It's all about easy breezy.



Skip the overbearing car fresheners. Slip a fabric softener sheet under your car seats to have a light and airy smell.... I'm currently obsessed with the lavender scent. Double duty if you find yourself with a static problem, swipe it from under the seat and run it along your clothes. Presto! (I realized today leaving spearmint gum in your car works pretty darn good too!!)

Use dry erase markers to leave notes on the bathroom mirror and windows. The marker wipes right off and the kids think I'm neat. Wink, wink. (DO make sure your kids know it's not a normal marker. THAT could be trouble!)

For my first apartment, Mom and I made curtains out of sheets. We used a twin size flat sheet as one panel. While redecorating my living room on a tiny budget, I found discount fabric to re-upholster pillows, but couldn't find coordinating blue curtains in my budget. Walking through a large chain store, I headed to bedding. I love it that they 1. had the perfect shade of blue 2. sell each bedding component individually and 3. had enough full sheets to split and make two panels. We're talking 6 curtain panels for $24. After laundering: split them, finish the raw edges, zip a stitch on top about an inch down (to create the "pinch" on top and pocket for the rod), iron and ta-da, big changes on a little budget! The nice part is the LOWER the thread count, the better- super soft sheets don't make for great curtains!

Open Mind Policy

Thank you for the wonderfully sweet words, posted on here and to me personally. Sometimes it's easy to get stuck in the low moment, but the human spirit shining through words of kindness and encouragement can really lift a girl up. So MANY thanks. I just keep thinking some day, this won't hurt so much.

I am usually horrible at remembering dreams with any real clarity. The alarm goes off and I hit the floor running. In reflection, I DO know it was extra special to wake up with the presence of Mom and remember our talk to the last detail. The next night, as I drifted off I hoped she would visit again. I had questions. I was startled by the annoying AM buzz and actually had a recollection of my night's thoughts but instead I chuckled... I was getting a pedicure. Yep, that's it. No major revelation, no life-changing event. And pedi's are something I don't have the luxury to do! No luck, I'll try again. But that next morning... I was kicking up dirt and doing donuts through a cattle show in a General Lee car (Dukes of Hazzard!) Wow. If this sampling represents the inner workings of my nocturnal brain, I may just enjoy my AM amnesia! So instead, I thank her for the visit and tell her I will have my neon "Open" sign lit just for her if she ever wants to come back. That may very well have been the one and only, but she arrived at such a critical time, I am forever grateful.

Heaven Sent

I awoke at precisely 3:09 am smiling ear to ear. I had been holding my Mom's hand and it was wonderfully comforting. The words she spoke were echoing in my head. Strength, encouragement, such familiarity. I stirred around for a moment enjoying how she always lifts me up. Then a sickening feeling washed over me, confusion set in. "Wait a minute," I whispered glancing around my bedroom dimly lit from the hallway. Where is she? Is she here? Oh no, no, no. She's not. But she WAS just here.... wasn't she? Loneliness immediately rushed out the peaceful feeling. It felt as I was reliving her death again. I've dreamed about her only a few times since she passed. But this one, this one was REAL. It couldn't have been a dream. I held her hand, I could FEEL her hugging me. I ran my fingers over her wedding rings as we talked. I told her I couldn't see her, my vision was blurry. She calmly said she is right here. I ask her why I can't see her... my eyes just won't work, she repeats that she is right here. My hand never left hers. I FELT her next to me while we talked. I can't believe it wasn't real! What a cruel trick, I thought. What a mean joke to play on someone feeling the loss now more than ever. I want to return to that dream, I didn't know it wasn't real now I wish it wouldn't have ended. Tears roll down my face now as I think about it. I will never get over her death. It would define who I am today if I let it.

Times have been tough lately. Mentally, physically, financially. I have moments of sheer unrelenting desires to scream "I GIVE UP!!!" until my voice gives way. Then a sweet innocent face will say "Momma" and I remember why I fight so hard to keep our little family together and running. My kids look to their mom just as I looked to my own. We are the "little engine that could" family and have conquered many mountains together already. But I have a struggle that is all my own now. I started reading "Motherless Daughters" in a quest for healing and peace. While I can't say it has sped up healing, there's comfort in numbers even when you feel like the only lost soul. I distantly remember my Mom's pain when her mother passed. It was life altering for her as well. I suppose every woman will be forced into this club at one time or another, kicking and screaming as I have. I mistakenly thought my hardest moment was that storming night and I softly spoke "Go with God Momma" as she took her last breath. I prayed she would not take another. I wanted this fight to end for her. I looked to the clock and announced her time of death. Later, my aunt would ask how I knew that was her last. All I could say was I could feel it. I thought that was the toughest moment of my own life. Little did I know, the worst is actually here and there and strikes with such reverence it forces out my own breath... and hope.

My sister and I have been disconnected as of late, so we set out on a short road trip today, gabbing the whole way. We talked of her growing photography business, our kids, the random updates in our lives. As our chatter slowed, I told her about my dream. The tears mutually started, something we do well together. She said, "Oh, that WAS Mom. She WAS there. She knew you needed her." I nodded in agreement but still wondering if it was just a dream. Hours later, I received disappointing news. I spent all evening frustrated and upset. My sister's words came back. I was shocked at how "spot on" she was and how skeptical I have become. But it just makes sense. There is no other answer. Mom knew I was going to have one of those "Give Up" moments today. She knew my faith has been stretching thin. She knew I needed a reminder that she IS, in fact, still right here. I DID talk to her at three am in the silence of my bedroom. She was here. I hugged her. I held her hand. She told me she loved me. Sometimes my faith drifts. Sometimes I think I'm being tested beyond what a "normal" person can handle. I get frustrated. I get angry. I question everything. Maybe the answer is quite simple. Maybe I've been looking everywhere but at the moment that started a drastic change in my life and ended hers on earth. Maybe the answer is the last thing I spoke to her... "Go with God" in everything- my beliefs, my fears, my worrisome nights, and that's all I need to know. Maybe now it's up to me to believe.


*My little boy (my Mom's "bonus baby") has been sleeping next to me while I blogged. As I finished the last sentence, he awoke, sat up, hugged me and went straight back to sleep. God... and love... works in ways we don't always understand. But if we close our eyes and choose to believe, then it's even more than we ever hoped to see. Thanks Momma Chiquita for sending the hug too.

Love you, miss you, always with you.

Phenomenal Woman

Just a small reminder for all those phenomenally wonderful women out there.

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou


Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.



from And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou
copyright © 1978 by Maya Angelou.

What The Funk?!?

March. Waaahooooo! Spring. About time!! Warm. When??? Now I'm going to sound like that 80 yr old pocket change jingler, but awful strange weather we are having. Seriously where is the sun, warm weather, birds spreading their wings after a long winter? Hellllo Mother Nature, did you sleep through your alarm? Hit the snooze? Do you need a reminder? I can shoot you a text, call your cell? Are you on Facebook? Twitter? I'd even log back on to Myspace if that's where you're hiding. I'm sorry, but your performance as of late is simply not acceptable. And between us, your ass would get a pink slip if it were up to me. I can not wear these bulky sweaters one more day and my feet miss the way it feels to slide between crisp cotton sheets without fuzzy socks running interference. So please NOW and I'll let you keep your job... but don't expect a raise this year.

Cleaning out my little walk-in, my seasonal routine, I happily bagged up winter items still donning tags and hit the return lines. I can't "do" winter any longer. I've redecorated my living room from deep reds and tans to whimsical blues. I've changed candles to light and airy, I've stacked up closet "keepers" to bag for the attic. Without further delay, I set out to resuscitate my stale, stuffy closet. Bundled in a wool coat with gloves dangling from the pockets, you will see me smiling into a store mirror with oversized sunglasses hiding my mid-30's eye wrinkles. And next briskly pushing them on top of my head. My sunglasses are multi-purpose: the obvious- eye protection with an air of sophistication and the elementary- to function as a headband... can't slip or worse, stretch! Shedding fuzzy socks, I'm pulling pant legs up to admire the newest spring sandals.... ohhh, and maybe those open-toe heels too. Next up, check out the dressing room. With winter layers piled in a corner and a mirror reflecting one pale body, I'm scrutinizing one of the five two-piece bathing suits I adored. Ugh, not this one- the material doesn't even begin to cover my butt, oh this one makes me look flat as a pancake up top, this one is just plain strange, what size is this one because it can't be tagged right... Oh yeah, most definitely need to do sit-ups again and lay off winter baking and get a tan and then this last one will do.

Maybe I'm fast tracking but a summer of cute sundresses, little skirts with tanks, alive colors, and fun blouses is waiting... so close that I can almost grab it. I'm ready to feel like a "girl" and not a coat rack, footloose and carefree, shed those blahs and emotions of one hard never-ending winter, wear brilliant colors to make my eyes sparkle, put a little rose on the cheeks... In all honesty, I legitimately have seasonal affect disorder, unaffectionately referred to as the funk. By the time February hits, I'm struggling with my other personality- Queen Grouch. I shouldn't live in an area with four true seasons. I would be thrilled with only one. A decorated palm tree for Christmas suits me juuuuuust fine. I love windows open with curtains blowing, deck time with friends.... yum, the smell of the grill!!!! Sunshine cures the madness, homegrown fruits and vegetables, hair thrashing wildly in a breezy car, my kids crashing into dreams after a hard day's play outside, flip flops and pink toenails, birds chirping good morning, the smell of freshly cut grass.... I can see myself running through a field of daisies as I type this. HELP, Mother Nature I am losing it! Fix it now and your job's not in jeopardy, my imagination was just on defrost, now please show everyone just how magnificent you.... and me in a cute little sundress.... can be!

Love Is All Ya Need.

For a Valentine's Day celebration, I had the wonderful opportunity to "put on" my daughter's kindergarten party. There's nothing like 23 giggly five year-olds overly excited to put you in the spirit. My daughter was absolutely BEAMING. Sitting at her little table, grinning ear to ear, she kept waving to me and her dad. She was so proud and told everyone at her table who we were. The kids were so excited to loot through their valentine mailboxes. A simple candy heart stacking games was a success. Those little, innocent giggles are downright infectious and it was just what I needed. (Cheap prizes make all the difference too!) It was a simple little party that probably made my day more than hers. Later while snugging my daughter in bed, I kissed her little forehead and thanked her for letting me do the party. Her big blue eyes lit up; she asked if I had fun. Of course I did, I tell her. She hugged me tight and said I was the best momma ever. My heart started to melt. Those skinny little arms around my neck just hit the spot. It was the perfect reminder of true, unconditional love. Things aren't perfect. Things are downright tough sometimes, but I wouldn't trade a minute of it.

Life; Most Definitely Interrupted

As much as I adore today's easy connections, it can have a price by allowing you a glimpse at "what might have been" or even the "what could be." Among all its wonder, it can be a medium to find lifelong connections that may just strike the core of your soul. And in reverse, it may be an avenue to forge unspeakable friendships and has the ability to ruin once-prized relationships. Where you draw that imaginary line can make or break you.

You know, I've always had an ugly disposition toward boundaries. I spent the last few years dealing with drastic changes and consequently, I felt I could handle absolutely anything. I learned to protect my heart and keep others- particularly men- at a distance. So why did one person, one completely unavailable man, seamlessly pry that door open when I didn't even see him pick the lock? It started by a simple "Hey, it's been a long time. How's life?" and has become something more but still should be nothing at all. It's my "what might have been" and I've eluded to it on a few occasions.

When I was 19, I met a guy stationed at Ft. Knox. He had brilliant eyes, a quick wit, infectious laugh, and obnoxious love of screaming-heavy metal rock. We spent hours talking about everything and nothing. I remember laying on his bed watching him hang his uniforms, thinking one day this would end and his life would resume some eight hours away. It was too much at that age... we were both just kids. I wasn't fond of anything military and didn't know how we fit. I walked away without so much as a goodbye. It was easier this way, I would tell myself because were just passing time with each other. He called my house on several occasions (even crying to my dad at 2 am so I've learned) but I just couldn't speak to him. I needed a clean break. His life was already planned out and I would be the one left standing alone. It seemed CMT played the Little Texas video for "What Might Have Been" on a loop. In it, the beautiful woman has one last dance with her military man before he leaves. It made cry every time. One day, I called the barracks only to learn he was gone.

I thought about him off and on over the years, hoping life was everything he wanted and happiness was shining brightly on him. Then technology struck and some 15 years later, we were exchanging pleasantries. In the middle of our first chat, he made my heart stop. Mid-conversation he says he's always wondered what would've happened if he'd just stayed in and took me with him where ever the army sent us. Then he went on typing other nonsense. Waaaaait, hold up..... explain that, I said. As he did, my heart dropped. All I had to do was ask him to stay he tells me later. When he called that night, I was giddy. His voice was exactly the same and his laugh felt so familar. We talked for hours and repeated that over the next several nights. It was an awakening. We had years to catch up on, his newer family, his life, my life. We hung up one night and I felt like HE was the MAN I've been missing. He was all man, no game-guy about him. His primary career (military is his second), his outlook, his planning, all man. And surprisingly, we still clicked, we still laughed, we finished sentences... but there could be no "we." Things were strained in his personal life and this was the worst time to bomb it with an ex-girlfriend. As the weeks passed, he prepared for deployment at a base away from home and our friendship grew. I felt like a teenager again, he felt alive.

Then he left. The day was circled on my calendar. I knew his family hugged and kissed him goodbye that day with strong hearts and heavy smiles. I quietly worked that night praying God would keep him safe. I wondered why he was in my life at that moment. Was this the closure we needed? It sure didn't feel like closure. Was something bad about to happen? Is this just a reminder of opportunities lost? Was this it? Then my phone rang. Running out of a patient room, I fumbled to answer it. It felt as if THAT moment was IT. He was at an air force base preparing to depart. Tears filled my eyes. I just knew I had to let him go. He asked if I was okay, I whispered yes. I was so relieved to hear his voice one more time, I knew I couldn't do it. It was bittersweet. I was so incredibly proud of someone I couldn't talk about. I was proud of the man he's become. I was proud to be his friend. I wanted to take back my choices from years ago. I wanted this life now, I've changed my mind. Don't throw it in my face now. He filled my void and I filled one for him as well. We hung up that night and I had never been more sure of anything in my life.

Days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months, waiting for an email, a quick long distance call, video chats muffled by helicopter sounds and long-range gunfire... Well, that puts things in perspective. Life goes on. Feelings may not change, but a clearer reality does. I'm not the only one that prays for him, that believes in him. I accept that. I've learned that his friendship, no matter how late, is important to me. I risk nothing but my heart, he risks it all by just being my friend. He's been specifically warned against it. If he walked away tomorrow, I would understand. I've learned that, at a minimum, I still have the ability to love someone- something I thought my EX stripped from me on our roller coaster. Drawing and maintaining that line has been quite difficult. We tiptoe up to it on occasion and it hurts to know he and I will always be just friends. But it lightens my heart to know I am still capable of true and genuine feelings, that he will always love me too "wherever this life takes us," and that for whatever reason, our ending wasn't determined in those concrete block barracks.

With that said, emotional bonds can be far more difficult than a physical encounter. These days, it's so easy to connect with your past, to discreetly bond, to fill specific holes. It's so incredibly easy to be swept into the intoxicating world of what-ifs and could-be. But as time passes, reality stomps that delicate line only to darken it. Feelings remain, but living in the world of "what if" is a huge gamble that may consume the right now. It may well spotlight connection problems in another's personal life and force them to evaluate what they have. That look may provide a chance to repair problems before it's too late, as I think will be the case with my friend. His happiness is most important to me and he owes it to his family to at least try to get back to the good life. This can't exactly be achieved when staying in consistent contact with an old friend. But how do you just ignore what has been there for years? My friend and I have no future, and yet no end. Funny how life is, right back to where we were so many years ago but the stakes are dramatically higher. Another tough lesson (but he's worth it and so is his family) and that's sometimes when you truly care about someone and want them to make unbiased choices, you learn to let them go. It's not goodbye... but "for now." Love stinks.

Game Over? Wait, did hell freeze over?

I love technology. I love that I can keep up with friends through social networking sites. I can shoot someone a text message or plan a day without ever talking. I can go online and change a dental appointment, pay a bill, change my cable services, watch a movie, the list goes on! What I didn't expect was the "snooper/stalker" aspect of this wonderful technology. Let's refer to this as "Secret Agent" it sounds MUCH nicer since I'm the one peaking.... and makes it more acceptable in the wild depths of my mind.

You may remember my tall, handsome player. He has been a troublesome spot. Why is that?? Because I LET him be, because I listened when he "really wanted to change his life, he really wanted to be THAT person, he wanted me to understand." And then after a few weeks, he was gone again. SURPRISE!! Yeah, well he is permanently affixed in the "Guy category" so I just *thought* he wanted to be that MAN. So I, annoyed again, left a voice mail informing him I was done.. for good. And that was that. He'd text on occasion throughout the holidays... I ignored. Fight the power girl! Behind those dark eyes is a guy that only knows one thing- THE DAMN GAME. He called- I sent it to voicemail... then played his message until it was permanently embedded. Oh girl, FIGHT THE POWER. Seriously, get a grip.

After a bit, curiosity killed me. What could he possibly say this time to hook me? So I called. Hmmm... voicemail. I waited a day then sent one of his signature "Hey" texts. Hmmm, no response. Crap! Now HE has the upper hand... it was mine and I gave it away!! WHY did I respond?? Nosey girl got to thinking... On a whim, I typed his name onto a friend site and guess what- there he was. Oh time to investigate, donning imaginary sunglasses and trench coat, it looked as if he started out rounding up his girls.... almost all girls. A little flirty comment here, a little thumbs up there. Interesting, he knows I'm on this site... maybe he didn't want me to see his play-by-play. Playa really needs to make his page private! Wait, what's this? Well that statement is out of character, hmmm. The secret agent session just shocked me. First, he was more of a man-whore than I ever realized and second and the most stunning, he is now in love. Honestly, for real in love.. something he's never been in his life. I know his game inside and out and his recent posts are so far out of bounds, that it must be love. I wanted to puke. It made me crazy for a moment. It made me obsess on why he was contacting me if he already had someone. I wanted to call him up and yell for trying to drag me back into his game.. a game in which he quit, at least for the moment.

Then I realized something.... he met her while I pondered my next move or if I was even going to make one. I had just assumed he would always be there. I've known in the past that there have been others between our like/hate relationship, but now here is PROOF... and the newest has a face. Snooping has actually been good for me. I realize now it's something I couldn't help him feel. He needs to know what love is, how love can hurt, how love can be so incredibly exhilarating. He needs to know what it feels like to love someone and how to treat them with sincere, honest feelings. It will make him a better person. It will open his eyes to a world I couldn't show him. I hope she breaks his heart. Hey, I am still human. =)

Woman Puhlease!

It's a snowy day on my patch of the world. It's not overly burdensome- from a few to several inches depending which direction you drive. While working through the night, I watched the snow start, climax, and flurry off. As dayshift nurses arrived, I heard a repeating theme- "my husband/dad/brother had to bring me because the roads were so bad." Ummm, why can't we get our own petutties through the snow? I pondered this as I hightailed it home at a riproaring 35 miles per hour. I mean, I once spent time convincing EX to chauffeur me and yet, I was the better driver. Did I not want to be alone, did I feel more protected, did I just not want the blame if I wrecked MY car??? Alas, being single again forces you to get over it real quick and offers a private chuckle to past driving miss Daisy moments.

To help snub the fear, here's a short list of events one may do that is much more daring than wheelin' through the white stuff.

If you can tweeze your eyebrows, you can drive in snow.
If you can birth a baby, you can drive in snow.
If you can dance in high heels, you can drive in snow.
If you can trim your dog's nails, you can drive in snow.
If you can balance your checkbook, you can drive in snow.
If you can unclog an overused toilet, you can drive in snow.
If you can handle sand in your swimsuit, you can drive in snow.
If you can deal with being waxed, you can drive in snow.
If you can pull out splinters, you can drive in the snow.
If you can take care of everyone else when you're damn near your death bed, you can drive in snow.
If you can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, you can drive in snow!!!

Ooookay, you get my "drift." Don't be so nervous. So what if you spin a little... it's kind of fun to "let loose." You, woman, can do anything so gas it up and go!

Secrets of the House

Prepare for the random:

Shave anywhere you want with hair conditioner. Skip expensive shaving creams/gels and the like. Wonderfully great, smooth results and a lot cheaper.

I am a huge fan of Suave's "works as well as Matrix" Sleek Conditioner for shaving AND deep conditioning hair. I love it so much, here's a pic. Go ahead and buy the big bottle. Wash and towel dry hair, glob Sleek in, loosely pile it and cover with a shower cap. Then LEAVE IT for an hour or two. Seriously. You will be amazed.

Bring back the not-so-energy efficient dishwasher. Seriously. My mid-priced dishwasher sucks and it's just too new to replace. I have to rinse clean dishes otherwise food will remain- and be baked on. The powder cleanser works better than liquid, but still. I want the "too hot to touch" glasses and plates back. I have better things to do than dishes.

Old sterilized toothbrushes work perfect for cleaning bathtub jets. Scrub, scrub, scrub what you can see from the outside, then fill the bath up, add some of the above dishwasher powder and turn 'em on. Cleans from the inside out.

I use my kid's shoe boxes to organize drawers. They are perfect dividers for ponytail holders, nail polish, kid socks, etc. No reason to go buy new plastic dividers when these are free!

On that note, I use old baby wipe containers for a myriad of things: one holds crayons, another- batteries of all sizes, another- puzzles to keep the pieces together. The possibilities are endless.

Today is January 25th. I finally threw out the Halloween candy. Scary stuff. No worries, the chocolate has been gone for months. Yeah, I'm definitely "On It." =)

boys... Guys..... MEN

Okay, this is how I see it. The male species can be found in one of three simple categories. Really, it's that easy peasy. I've met several- of each- during my few years of freedom. After mentally reviewing those I've met, I came to the realization I had never noticed such a difference before. Perhaps it's because I was "a girl" when I exited the dating scene. Now, smack dab in the middle of my 30's, it didn't take long to tag a male as either: a carefree boy, fun loving guy, or manly man. The only question a single woman needs to ask is this: what do you want from a guy?

Here we go:

boys-

Tried and true.... boys will be boys. It's not their looks but personality. You may find a boy at his momma's house on Sunday so she can launder and press his clothes while he is devouring a home-cooked meal and catching the game on TV with pops. If you're a girl, it's not that far off from your own experiences. If you're a woman, leave 'em alone. They have entirely too much growing to do and have much to learn about the world beyond momma's apron strings. They have nonspecific careers and don't hesitate to move from one meaningless job to the next. Expect momma to be the one ordering your flowers on Valentine's Day because he didn't wake up in time. This is not about age, but rather maturity. I've met enough "older boys" to learn it's best to walk before you catch yourself doing his dishes..

Guys-

Guys are fun. Period. They love hanging out. They can be found faithfully on Sunday afternoons shooting hoops, catching a game, in the garage with buddies salivating over their newest high speed machines, or the like. Hot guys tend to have great pickup lines, killer smiles, and it's game on when they are interested. Guys often have decent jobs, some even appear quite professional and that only adds to the attraction. Dates are spontaneous with this type. Here intuition is key. A guy isn't necessarily interested in calming down. Many guys have bachelor characteristics and don't always have deep roots planted for future growth. I married a guy. I divorced a guy. I dated the "how ya doin guy." I tend to be attracted to guys then surprisingly annoyed with the results. Guys can be energetic, edge-of-your seat exciting, and two minutes later- incredibly frustrating. They don't "grow up" past a certain point. These tend to "get by" in life and may do it rather well. But they don't seek more. Future stability is not their primary concern as they "live in the moment." Don't mess with a guy unless you've got your game face on.... and had a good night's sleep.

MEN-

Ahhh, the manly man. Strong, secure, they've got it together and are confident in their choices. Men tend to be in authority or admired careers. They know and actually contribute to their retirement. They own houses. They make people proud. You feel secure with a man. No game here, you know when they are serious. So what's the catch? Men don't always bring the excitement a woman needs from time to time. They are considerate and predictable and stable and strong. I'm not saying they are scrooges by any means, but you know when they close their eyes at night, they will be exactly the same in morning's light. They need women to poke the logs to keep the flames from smoldering out.

The way I see it, everything is a trade-off. Once I started dating, I had to ask a few questions and those in my position should too: Do you want to take care of someone? Do you want surprises and nothing too serious? Do you want excitement and thrill? Do you want the future planner? The strong type? To have comfort in security and stability? So here I sit, stuck between guys and men..... Each with pros and cons and with particularly attractive characteristics. I have yet to meet one with the perfect combo. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I've been stuck in the "guy" department. Maybe I want the security of a man with the excitement of a guy. Maybe he's out there, maybe not. We'll see.

SATC Time Out

Every moment of my life is for real baby.
~Big

Going With THE Flo

Kiss my grits! Yep, I said it and no, no, no.. not to you, but to the 5000 thoughts bouncing in my head, to the ex-husband that needs to review the definition of divorce, to the ex-boyfriend that now "needs to talk" when he didn't feel so compelled when we were dating, to the "friend" that retorted I must be too good since I don't want "to go out" (and really, why do we say "go out"... Another blog..), to having a heart that hurts for someone I'm not going to be with, to working my entire weekend away. Yeah, it's just a KISS IT kind of day. Gotta love 'em....

Footprint Friends and an Unexpected Wordy Shout Out

After thinking about my Other Half, I've pondered several of my female relationships. Through various stages, I've met some incredible women. We are naturally social. It's not always intentional or with purpose, but we are. We crave closeness and connections men can't possibly understand and have a harder time filling. Have you ever left a job and only remorseful that you won't see certain people? Have you ever wondered what life would be like without certain friends? Have you ever reflected on your friendships?

The answers are quite simple for me. The women of my family created perfect examples of poise, grace, friendship, sisterhood, love, and the value of a bond. My short little grandma passed secrets to my mom on stirring pots of homemade goodness that not only filled our stomachs but our hearts as well. And many years later, the women in my family created our ever-growing group known as DOMML, Daughters of Mary Murphy Longest, my grandma. We meet, dine and catch up about every 6 weeks. Without it, I wouldn't see some of these women even once a year. But now it's something I eagerly anticipate. It makes me appreciate the dynamic women in my family.... and girrrrl, can they cook! I have a specially unique sister that reminds me more of our Mom everyday. She and I butt heads one moment and share a hug the next. Never underestimate the power of sisters. Though different, our paths aren't too far divided. And I have this incredibly diva cousin that lets me step out of my own head when I've had enough. We share a beer.... and a tear as needed.... pick each other up and keep going. She sends silly messages when I need it most and is the "go-to" woman on a broad range of topics. Both being single, we encourage and understand in ways others may not. It can be a cruel world out there, it's nice to have the right women not only on your side, but in your family!

We all having "passing friendships"- those that last only as long as the need. You may genuinely care for them, meeting at work or school or the like. Once that chapter closes, the friendships tend to dwindle away. Then there are the "subject friendships" where you have something of shared importance with minimal interaction otherwise. It may be as simple as a shared love for a particular band or parents of your children's friends. You like them enough to be spend time with them as long as the shared interest in involved. Then you have the "footprint friendships." These have left a lasting impact. Even if you were to never speak again, they are etched in your heart.

I have a handful of footprint friends and luckily most are still visible on the outside. I had grown away from one in particular through changing times, but she did a remarkable thing that will forever touch my heart. I was standing in the funeral home wishing away the hours during my Mom's visitation. There was a constant blurring stream of people paying their respects, nearly 1000 we later learned. I was drained from the preceding weeks, emotionally spent and in a fog. And there, standing alone in the back, was my footprint friend. I hadn't seen her in YEARS. She fumbled with her keys, apologizing, her eyes completely breaking for me. I was so surprised to see her. I was so happy to see her. I was so thankful to see her. She dusted off our footprints with that one resonating gesture and now we are back at it on a daily basis. We have a history, a mutual understanding, a love of dancing and music and letting loose, a bond that is now just a given in our busy lives. We choose not to judge, but to support, uplift, listen and I keep her close to my heart.

Two other important women very well could have been "passing friendships" but quickly became footprint friends. Our careers brought us together, but shared times and thoughts forged friendships. One is on the quiet side, slightly reserved and incredibly insightful. I may be searching for words, stumbling over statements, unsuccessfully trying to explain what I'm thinking and she quietly listens for a moment..... pauses..... and can explain what I feel in a minute or less. We share the same witty, but sometimes less than ladylike humor... which makes it even better. We respect each other's journey and encourages the other to blaze the trail to the left. She just gets it. I don't know how else to explain her wonderful self. She encourages me to seek happiness, to grab the moment, to never settle. She has nerves of steel and will speak up when others are quiet. She keeps things in perspective. I admire, respect, and learn from her.

Then the other footprint friend makes me laugh when I don't want to, smile when I think I can't, and reminds me I'm not 80 years old. She is going a hundred miles an hour at any given moment, but will skreeech to a halt if she thinks something's wrong. She is bighearted, loves to laugh, brings whimsy to my day with her hot mess, jacked up, boom boom pow friendship. I can say absolutely, 100% any random thing to her and she can run with it and validate my thoughts. She may be telling me I have a wonderfully unique heart that deserves more then stop mid sentence to say I'm looking mighty bootylicious. She just makes me laugh. It seems one of us is always saying what the other is thinking.

Blessed! Lucky! Thankful! For the wonderful footprint friends I mentioned and those I didn't as well. The women that "get it" and have room in their hearts and lives for another woman. I just hope they all know I appreciate and love them. And they are each uniquely fabulous!!!

The Other Half of my Half

I have this friend whom I delightfully refer to as my asexual life mate that I can't live without. And no, I haven't decided to switch teams, but rather to reflect on one of the best, solid, relationships a woman can have- a girlfriend. Mine fills the void in various areas and on any given day she assumes the role of: therapist, surrogate mother to ME, fill-in mom to my children, conscience, style consultant, financial advisor, moral compass, fake spouse, you name it and it's covered. She picks up party supplies I forget, she picks up my kids when I'm in a bind and she picks me up when I need a reality check.

Our friendship started 20+ years ago at a Home Economics table in 7th grade. She, wearing a skirt and I, gleaming with a mouth of metal and both sporting the art of the boof as a hairstyle. Two different upbringings but one strong connection of "getting each other" has transformed us to mid-30's women still laughing and loving our way through this thing called life. I think if we could have peeked at our future and witnessed the trials, tribulations, beginnings and endings, groundings, and moments of sheer insanity our friendship would face, we both may have reacted differently. She would have ran like hell from that table...... and I would have been jotting notes for the beginning chapters of a best seller. It all started so innocently.... okay, now wait. That's a flat out lie. Nothing in our friendship has ever been innocent but they make for great stories we can reminisce about over a nice cocktail every now and again. Oh, the schemes we pulled off, guys we dated, extravagant plans we concocted to do things we had no business doing. I was always in trouble, thanks to her of course. Through it all, we strengthened our soul sister bond to the point of unbreakability.

I suppose not every woman has the girlfriend you can run to in times of euphoric happiness, deep sadness, bad haircuts, boyfriend breakups, acne breakouts, life fiascoes, bad mommy moments, humiliating times you'd hate for anyone else to know. You name it and we've already crossed it off the list. I often tell her that, had it not been for her, I would be living in a trailer park, curlers in my hair, one of my five babies on my hip, a cigarette dangling from hot pink stained lips while waitin' for my no good sumbitch husband to come home from the track...... honestly, I can picture it. But instead, we called and talked, called and listened, called and cried, called and didn't give up. Today, I woke up with the mental tape of our latest conversation running and I realized how far we've come. Sure we've had to drag each other a time or two, but we made it. My asexual life partner will always be one perfect other half to me, even when I'm ready to find that slightly imperfect other half. For that, I'm forever grateful. I love ya Miss!

Well SOMEONE Has Balls... or uh, NERVE!

Well, well, well..... seems I'm a pushover, a softy, an empathetic person.... estupido! It all started as the holiday season was approaching. My ex-husband was griping daily that he was becoming more and more depressed. Our preschool son's announcement that daddy wasn't family because he didn't live in our house seemed to fuel the unhappiness fire. So that helped set the stage for the ex's attitude moving near the holidays. Depending on his stage in cycling through bipolar, this can go one of two ways. Either he is screaming at me for "breaking up" our family, throwing things into the Christmas tree (last year) and being a complete self-obsessed ass or the gloomy blues exact opposite. Think of Eeyore... oh me, oh my... life is soooo bad. I just want my family back. They are all that matters now.... (He forgets he chose to sneak around with a woman... no, not a woman.... a girl for over a year while I was pregnant with our 2nd child and my Mom was dying. Something as you may notice, I do NOT forget.)

Anyway, so this year it's Eeyore... life is horrible and even my son doesn't love me. So what do I do? I "extend" just a little, small, smidgen. I tell him he can sleep on the couch Christmas Eve to not miss the magic of Christmas morning. That's uneventful primarily due to him sleeping through the night and I had the honor of assembling toys in peace. Then Christmas night, I had to work. The kids have a living room FULL of new toys, and I won't be here anyway so let them (with him) stay here and play.... right???? WRONG! After being awake for over 24 hours, I come home from work that morning exhausted, ready to change my clothes and climb in bed. It's all I think about as I head towards my bedroom- whew! I made it through the busy day of Christmas then worked nearly 14 hours. As I step in to my bedroom, I pause at first in disbelief. Spread out across my bed with only boxers on, his boys hanging out and all, HE IS SLEEPING IN MY BED AND NEARLY NAKED. Get up! Get up! HEY, wake up! Get out of my bed! NOW! All I can think is crap, now I have to wash my sheets again.

See, this is a huge boundary issue for me and a major no-no for him. Remember the post of loving my new bed and mattress set? It goes along with the being a grown up, letting go of that ugly past... which is laying on my NEW outlook, MY space, NEW as in not for you. As in why the hell are you hanging out of your boxers anyway when our 5 yr old daughter and 4 yr old son are in this house?? As in GET OUT OF MY ROOM!! Geez, the nerve of him! Ya give an inch.....

2010

I'm one of those goofy little people that put true, honest efforts into New Year's resolutions. I get that bright-eyed, bushy-tailed thought process to look at what's not working, fix it, and make me a better person. I'm a list person. Love lists, stick to them too. Sometimes I will complete a task, realize it wasn't on the list, and scribble it down just to mark it off. Ahh, the feeling of accomplishment! I feel that same accomplishment of sorts when I blog moments. It allows me to organize thoughts, evaluate what's bothersome and to "empty my brain" of its internal pandemonium. Thoughts, feelings, and moments swirl above my head just as quickly as I can type. If they don't, it's the first surefire sign I need recheck my "honesty reflection." It is similar to creating resolutions for the new year. A time to step back, look at what you're not pleased with and fixing it. Sounds pretty simple huh? We'll see.... the more I look, the longer my list grows.... but life is a process...


Here's a sampling of goals:

1. Spiritually and Mentally Healthy-
Seek God and my purpose in this life. Stop asking why but learn from them. Don't allow the lessons of healing slip away. Apply this to life, create a solid foundation for my children. Stop being angry. Accept the losses and change. Focus on how to grow.

Also learn to better handle the relationship with Ex. Create and uphold boundaries to halt manipulative behaviors. Re-learn that I, nor anyone else, should find acceptance in being treated poorly. Forgive but don't give in. There has to be a balance but it has yet to be found. All I know at this point is what doesn't work. No more attempted highjackings over who has control of my life.

2. Financially Healthy-
Rework current debts. Work at least one extra shift each pay period to offset kid's school expenses. Re-establish and look to the future. And for my kid's sake, work enough extra to go on vacation this year, even if it is a short beach trip!! (Okay, ya got me- that one's definitely for me too!!)

3. Physically Healthy-
Lay off the sweet tea.... okay, just cut back. Incorporate more fresh seasonal vegetables and have a bigger garden this summer. Get registered for cancer insurance and get that stinkin colonoscopy. *Just in case.* Start doing more physical activity. Gym expenses are not in my budget, but on the first decent day- start walking around the block with kids again. Get to the park more. Until winter's passage, resume kickboxing in the living room. Made me feel great and also ready to kick someone's ass if need be. =)

4. Personally Healthy-
Stop making excuses to keep people away. I am by no means anti-social. I can laugh and have a great time with almost anyone. But it's just getting me out. I have guilt for leaving my kids even if it is a much needed break. I know being a mom is my #1 priority, but being me should come in a close second... right? I do talk to some of my wonderful chicas several times in a week, but moments of just being *me* are few and far between. And if you're most guys, pssh, you can forget it. Oops, that door just closed! Sorry! Try again some other time... most men just don't interest me. I can't help it. I've got myself in an interesting situation now that probably wouldn't go in the "healthy" category. But I'll plead my case for it in a future blog.

5. Professionally Healthy-
I have a few work goals that don't pertain as much to my resolutions as they do to my annual pay raise. So those will be met shortly... at the beginning of the year! Woohoo! Push it on outta the way. I do have a few others, but those can wait until I'm restless with the first 4 goals.

These may not be New Year's Resolutions so much as they are 2010 Goals. I can slip up here and there, but I hope to look back at the end of the year and see most items crossed off the list with scribbles of other accomplishments filled in and marked out in the margins.

Time, Time, Time!!!

I've had about 15 blog stories floating in my head for the past month but haven't found a way to put them to words. Like lyrics to a song, tempo is everything. One minute I'm ecstatic and the next, well not so much. It's amazing how one thing can make you happy and give heartache all at the same time. I wrestle feelings all the time. I blow things off I shouldn't then focus on moments in time that are irrelevant to my day.

Is life always this hard? Shouldn't things get easier at some point?!? I spend SO much time playing peacekeeper in one part of my life, that I am essentially dropping out of other parts. I do realize this is all quite general. I dread putting to words things I feel or think as it will force me to face true reality. I'm working through this.... and took a "good for me" step today by laying it out there in the neverending open for a friend to see. When my Mom passed, I told myself to never hold back, to always go with what you feel. Yet, I sit and wait and watch and listen and reflect. I thought I would always look forward, never looking back and yet, I find what's behind made me. And 99.8% of the time I've got it together. It's that pesky 0.2% that throws me. I'm waiting for the "full circle" to kick back in so I can be meeeee again. No regrets, no regrets, no regrets I tell myself.... and I usually believe. It's a difficult thing, this process of showing vulnerability. It's much easier to keep it all undercover and protected but that also means holding yourself back and I'm over that. I guess full circle isn't what I need in the end. It only gets you back to the point where things still weren't working.

My Babies

My sweet, adorable, mind-turning children. They keep me grounded with their wonderfully whimsical ways of thinking. Here's just a few moments:

(At the dinner table a few evenings ago.)
My daughter: Momma, I loooove your spaghetti. You're the best cooker ever!
My son: Mommy, I loooove your face because you give me the best kisses with it!

And a conversation between my son and his dad last night- he stays at our house on Sunday nights when I am working third shift.

My son: I like when Mommy's here and you're not.
His dad: Why is that buddy?
My son: Cos I sleep with Mommy and I love sleeping with her.

I loooove being mom, mommy, momma!!!!

Drifting

There's a hot air balloon drifting over my little brick house on this beautiful November day. When they drop me a rope I will climb aboard and drift away. Seems my head's in the cloud-streaked sky to stay.

Oh wait! It's landing just beyond the trees! I better go!

Parts for the Heart

****Phone Ringing****

Shop Keeper: Thanks for calling the parts department for Keep Your Life On Track. Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I need a new timing belt. Seems mine needs to be replaced.

Shop Keeper: What makes you say that?? Is it still running? Not installed correctly on the pulleys?

Me: It's running..... but BACKWARDS. Like to YEARS AGO and thoughts of the "road not taken" are throwing my days off.

Shop Keeper: Oh, I see. Give me the specs and let's see what we've got.

Me: It's a 1974 model. Pretty straightforward and usually has life running in check. But an old friend has reconnected and tugged the belt- nearly off its pulley. Now it seems to be skipping, if you will.

Shop Keeper: That's no problem. You may not need a replacement. Just let things be as they are and I'm sure the belt will self correct for perfect harmony in no time. Why so worried?

Me: Because sometimes I'm happy it went backwards.

Shop Keeper: Why can't you just do a manual adjustment? Catch up with your old friend, say your peace and be on your way.

Me: Replacing the belt would be easier. In the years apart, significant parts and pieces have combined, for what appears, a great life for my friend and I want that for him. In a matter of weeks, he will be overseas and his future isn't so smooth... but there still isn't a place in it for me upon return. We've shared things that have been put away for years and still have much more to say. We just haven't quite found... or even looked for.... that stopping point. I thought this would be easy, just agree it was nice catching up then say keep in touch and all those lines people don't really mean.

Shop Keeper: And now you wonder about.......?

Me: Timing!!!! Why didn't we have this opportunity years ago? Why now, of all times? Does this mean there is some impending doom? I fear the same things now as then- closure, our definite end and yet no "forward point" either. We've set our own paths in different parts of the country with no innocent intersections. Just give me a new timing belt, erase my odometer, and let us get back on our respective journeys. Time is ticking!

Shop Keeper: Sorry, you're on your own. We don't have a fix, but belts are dependable and will keep things running even when you've lost the map. You're not supposed to feel it tugging along the pulleys and it may even squeak from time to time, but just take it for what it is. Your belt doesn't need to be replaced so don't forget your ultimate destination. And remember one other thing- happiness is sold separately- but it must work with all the other parts for a great trip. Blaze your own path and happy trails!

Her Randomness

A Girl Should Be Two Things:

Classy and Fabulous.

~From Coco Chanel herself.

But reminds me distinctly of Audrey .


Welcome to my restless and rambling stage. Here's a sampling of trivial things that keep my mind ping ponging.

One of my favorite sayings:
I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, but now I go topless. Well, that just threw "classy" out the window.... but isn't it fabulous?!?!? I've been told a time or two lately that I'm heartless. Not that at all, it's just well protected these days!

Do men have a "nesting" period?? I've witnessed this with a few single, male friends. It happens at 2 different stages- on the brink of turning 40 and as winter approaches. Bizarre behavior... reminds me of watching a squirrel gather nuts. Maybe it's their revelation that their self-created life is a little chilly. Here, they toy with the idea of having a +1. Wonder if it's lasting or just a momentary crisis. Just looking for an explanation.....

I admantly say I will never be swept off my feet- too much of a realist now. Doesn't happen, fantasy world! But deep down, it would be nice to have the RIGHT equally madly "in like" with me man come take me away. So, how can Prince Charming ride to my rescue if I knock him down before he even mounts his horse? ... and I wonder if the horse would mind having 2 child car seats strapped to the sides....

We are all a work in progress. It's good to pause occasionally to check where your arrow is pointing. Turns out, my compass needed adjustment. Note to self: "Settling" is not an option.

Definition of assertive: confidently aggressive or self-assured; positive: aggressive; dogmatic
Hmm, surprising.. tilts to the negative... Sorry dictionary.com but assertive is NOT aggressive. Regardless, it's my new self help topic. I talk to myself about it and it helps!!

Why do people think all nurses want to marry a doctor? Many have innocently asked if I know any doctors to date. Umm, no. You won't find me at the nurse's station in my little white- just barely covering my ass- dress waiting to flirt with a doc. Rather, you're likely to find poo on my pants from a patient's colonoscopy prep and griping about what a jerk some MD was when I had to call him at 3 am.* Working my unit is more like being a contestant on Fear Factor than a speed dating participant.
*This statement does exclude my dear friend Krishna who is nothing less than a perfect physician and dear spouse of my best friend.

My spinning wheels have officially went down the toilet. Coming soon: Peace, love, and shimmies!

Different Kinda Blues

The Blue Jean Count Breakdown

15 Pair owned and scrutinized

-1 Permanently retired for being a style failure

-2 Can't be coerced over my childbearing hips

-3 Even a ponytail holder won't bridge the button to its hole

-2 Buttoned! But breathless with one grande muffin top

-3 So tight the pocket seams show. Eating is not an option.

-1 Bootylicious but create a "front butt" too

And then there were 3.......

-1 Only worn with HIGH heels because of length

-1 Fit great but so low rise I'm the resident plumber when bending, sitting, exiting a car...

And so one last, lonely worn out pair that "will work"... for now. I've been on the hunt for more but have decided I would rather go to the dentist and gynecologist back-to-back than torture myself again. Searched half the day and still left denim-free.

Ahhh, gaining a few curves= pricey!!!!

Skreeeech! Hold up! Wait a minute! It's Fall??

I'm a summer girl- sunshine, swimming, beaches, the SMELL of suntan oil- love it all. Warm months go by too quickly. Then it's time to cool down. At first, I tried to ignore fall and continued wearing flip flops. After inspecting purple toes, I have succumbed to this change too. I mean, it only happens EVERY year.

I pulled out our Halloween decorations, cluttered the house with pumpkins and such, then sat back waiting to get excited. The kids loved it. They had orange and purple lights strung all over the place. Their giggly chatter TOLD me this would be fun, but still, ugh....

Years ago, Mom and I were driving down Hwy 31 when she remarked how beautiful the changing trees were in the fall. Soon it will be time for campfires, pots of chili, vegetable soup, Angel biscuits, she went on. Fall is such a welcome sight for many, but I find it depressing. Beautiful leaves, pumpkins, Mums, it's all a reminder of what's on our doorstep. Soon trees will be naked, the sky will be gray, and we will stay in rather than getting bundled up just to stay indoors somewhere else.

The day after Thanksgiving 2006 is earmarked one of the worst days of my life. I unexpectedly found I was not the only woman in my husband's life. I felt so incredibly foolish. My Mom had just passed, I was physically and emotionally exhausted then this bomb exploded shredding my already dwindling family. The betrayal, lies, disrespect, it was already too much and still, just the beginning. I had to make some tough, gut wrenching decisions then. I never wanted to be a single parent, for my kids to be shuttled between relatives and friends, I never wanted to have one person knowingly give me this much pain. I never wanted to be alone. All those exhausting, sad, empty moments have been chainlinked to Fall and Winter in my mind. I've created that association and found it's difficult to break.

Last week, I was driving down Hwy 111 pondering how quickly we were "going through" Fall. I want my kids to appreciate the wonder of mother nature and the transitions all around us. I pointed to the cluster of trees, recalling my Mom's enthusiasm. Adding some of my own, I said "Look at all those beautiful colors!" My kids eagerly began describing the hues of the leaves delicately dangling from the branches. Magic! Their thoughts exploded- pumpkin carving, trick or treating, making Halloween cookies, all the traditions I have created for us. Their excitement was infectious. Mom, can we make candy apples?? Mom, can we paint faces on our pumpkins? Mom, can I put a ghost up in my room? Mom, do can we get our costumes soon? Mom, if the ghost in my room. is scary... can I put it in yours?? Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes!!!

Maybe someday I will genuinely look forward to fall and what's on its heels. And maybe someday winter won't seem so cold and lonely. Until then, I'm looking at the next few months through my children's eyes as if I'm seeing it anew. I'm still just a summer girl, I wear my flip flops (and now fuzzy socks) but hey this life is not all about me now is it??

*Photo by Lori Hamm Tate