Love Is All Ya Need.

For a Valentine's Day celebration, I had the wonderful opportunity to "put on" my daughter's kindergarten party. There's nothing like 23 giggly five year-olds overly excited to put you in the spirit. My daughter was absolutely BEAMING. Sitting at her little table, grinning ear to ear, she kept waving to me and her dad. She was so proud and told everyone at her table who we were. The kids were so excited to loot through their valentine mailboxes. A simple candy heart stacking games was a success. Those little, innocent giggles are downright infectious and it was just what I needed. (Cheap prizes make all the difference too!) It was a simple little party that probably made my day more than hers. Later while snugging my daughter in bed, I kissed her little forehead and thanked her for letting me do the party. Her big blue eyes lit up; she asked if I had fun. Of course I did, I tell her. She hugged me tight and said I was the best momma ever. My heart started to melt. Those skinny little arms around my neck just hit the spot. It was the perfect reminder of true, unconditional love. Things aren't perfect. Things are downright tough sometimes, but I wouldn't trade a minute of it.

Life; Most Definitely Interrupted

As much as I adore today's easy connections, it can have a price by allowing you a glimpse at "what might have been" or even the "what could be." Among all its wonder, it can be a medium to find lifelong connections that may just strike the core of your soul. And in reverse, it may be an avenue to forge unspeakable friendships and has the ability to ruin once-prized relationships. Where you draw that imaginary line can make or break you.

You know, I've always had an ugly disposition toward boundaries. I spent the last few years dealing with drastic changes and consequently, I felt I could handle absolutely anything. I learned to protect my heart and keep others- particularly men- at a distance. So why did one person, one completely unavailable man, seamlessly pry that door open when I didn't even see him pick the lock? It started by a simple "Hey, it's been a long time. How's life?" and has become something more but still should be nothing at all. It's my "what might have been" and I've eluded to it on a few occasions.

When I was 19, I met a guy stationed at Ft. Knox. He had brilliant eyes, a quick wit, infectious laugh, and obnoxious love of screaming-heavy metal rock. We spent hours talking about everything and nothing. I remember laying on his bed watching him hang his uniforms, thinking one day this would end and his life would resume some eight hours away. It was too much at that age... we were both just kids. I wasn't fond of anything military and didn't know how we fit. I walked away without so much as a goodbye. It was easier this way, I would tell myself because were just passing time with each other. He called my house on several occasions (even crying to my dad at 2 am so I've learned) but I just couldn't speak to him. I needed a clean break. His life was already planned out and I would be the one left standing alone. It seemed CMT played the Little Texas video for "What Might Have Been" on a loop. In it, the beautiful woman has one last dance with her military man before he leaves. It made cry every time. One day, I called the barracks only to learn he was gone.

I thought about him off and on over the years, hoping life was everything he wanted and happiness was shining brightly on him. Then technology struck and some 15 years later, we were exchanging pleasantries. In the middle of our first chat, he made my heart stop. Mid-conversation he says he's always wondered what would've happened if he'd just stayed in and took me with him where ever the army sent us. Then he went on typing other nonsense. Waaaaait, hold up..... explain that, I said. As he did, my heart dropped. All I had to do was ask him to stay he tells me later. When he called that night, I was giddy. His voice was exactly the same and his laugh felt so familar. We talked for hours and repeated that over the next several nights. It was an awakening. We had years to catch up on, his newer family, his life, my life. We hung up one night and I felt like HE was the MAN I've been missing. He was all man, no game-guy about him. His primary career (military is his second), his outlook, his planning, all man. And surprisingly, we still clicked, we still laughed, we finished sentences... but there could be no "we." Things were strained in his personal life and this was the worst time to bomb it with an ex-girlfriend. As the weeks passed, he prepared for deployment at a base away from home and our friendship grew. I felt like a teenager again, he felt alive.

Then he left. The day was circled on my calendar. I knew his family hugged and kissed him goodbye that day with strong hearts and heavy smiles. I quietly worked that night praying God would keep him safe. I wondered why he was in my life at that moment. Was this the closure we needed? It sure didn't feel like closure. Was something bad about to happen? Is this just a reminder of opportunities lost? Was this it? Then my phone rang. Running out of a patient room, I fumbled to answer it. It felt as if THAT moment was IT. He was at an air force base preparing to depart. Tears filled my eyes. I just knew I had to let him go. He asked if I was okay, I whispered yes. I was so relieved to hear his voice one more time, I knew I couldn't do it. It was bittersweet. I was so incredibly proud of someone I couldn't talk about. I was proud of the man he's become. I was proud to be his friend. I wanted to take back my choices from years ago. I wanted this life now, I've changed my mind. Don't throw it in my face now. He filled my void and I filled one for him as well. We hung up that night and I had never been more sure of anything in my life.

Days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months, waiting for an email, a quick long distance call, video chats muffled by helicopter sounds and long-range gunfire... Well, that puts things in perspective. Life goes on. Feelings may not change, but a clearer reality does. I'm not the only one that prays for him, that believes in him. I accept that. I've learned that his friendship, no matter how late, is important to me. I risk nothing but my heart, he risks it all by just being my friend. He's been specifically warned against it. If he walked away tomorrow, I would understand. I've learned that, at a minimum, I still have the ability to love someone- something I thought my EX stripped from me on our roller coaster. Drawing and maintaining that line has been quite difficult. We tiptoe up to it on occasion and it hurts to know he and I will always be just friends. But it lightens my heart to know I am still capable of true and genuine feelings, that he will always love me too "wherever this life takes us," and that for whatever reason, our ending wasn't determined in those concrete block barracks.

With that said, emotional bonds can be far more difficult than a physical encounter. These days, it's so easy to connect with your past, to discreetly bond, to fill specific holes. It's so incredibly easy to be swept into the intoxicating world of what-ifs and could-be. But as time passes, reality stomps that delicate line only to darken it. Feelings remain, but living in the world of "what if" is a huge gamble that may consume the right now. It may well spotlight connection problems in another's personal life and force them to evaluate what they have. That look may provide a chance to repair problems before it's too late, as I think will be the case with my friend. His happiness is most important to me and he owes it to his family to at least try to get back to the good life. This can't exactly be achieved when staying in consistent contact with an old friend. But how do you just ignore what has been there for years? My friend and I have no future, and yet no end. Funny how life is, right back to where we were so many years ago but the stakes are dramatically higher. Another tough lesson (but he's worth it and so is his family) and that's sometimes when you truly care about someone and want them to make unbiased choices, you learn to let them go. It's not goodbye... but "for now." Love stinks.

Game Over? Wait, did hell freeze over?

I love technology. I love that I can keep up with friends through social networking sites. I can shoot someone a text message or plan a day without ever talking. I can go online and change a dental appointment, pay a bill, change my cable services, watch a movie, the list goes on! What I didn't expect was the "snooper/stalker" aspect of this wonderful technology. Let's refer to this as "Secret Agent" it sounds MUCH nicer since I'm the one peaking.... and makes it more acceptable in the wild depths of my mind.

You may remember my tall, handsome player. He has been a troublesome spot. Why is that?? Because I LET him be, because I listened when he "really wanted to change his life, he really wanted to be THAT person, he wanted me to understand." And then after a few weeks, he was gone again. SURPRISE!! Yeah, well he is permanently affixed in the "Guy category" so I just *thought* he wanted to be that MAN. So I, annoyed again, left a voice mail informing him I was done.. for good. And that was that. He'd text on occasion throughout the holidays... I ignored. Fight the power girl! Behind those dark eyes is a guy that only knows one thing- THE DAMN GAME. He called- I sent it to voicemail... then played his message until it was permanently embedded. Oh girl, FIGHT THE POWER. Seriously, get a grip.

After a bit, curiosity killed me. What could he possibly say this time to hook me? So I called. Hmmm... voicemail. I waited a day then sent one of his signature "Hey" texts. Hmmm, no response. Crap! Now HE has the upper hand... it was mine and I gave it away!! WHY did I respond?? Nosey girl got to thinking... On a whim, I typed his name onto a friend site and guess what- there he was. Oh time to investigate, donning imaginary sunglasses and trench coat, it looked as if he started out rounding up his girls.... almost all girls. A little flirty comment here, a little thumbs up there. Interesting, he knows I'm on this site... maybe he didn't want me to see his play-by-play. Playa really needs to make his page private! Wait, what's this? Well that statement is out of character, hmmm. The secret agent session just shocked me. First, he was more of a man-whore than I ever realized and second and the most stunning, he is now in love. Honestly, for real in love.. something he's never been in his life. I know his game inside and out and his recent posts are so far out of bounds, that it must be love. I wanted to puke. It made me crazy for a moment. It made me obsess on why he was contacting me if he already had someone. I wanted to call him up and yell for trying to drag me back into his game.. a game in which he quit, at least for the moment.

Then I realized something.... he met her while I pondered my next move or if I was even going to make one. I had just assumed he would always be there. I've known in the past that there have been others between our like/hate relationship, but now here is PROOF... and the newest has a face. Snooping has actually been good for me. I realize now it's something I couldn't help him feel. He needs to know what love is, how love can hurt, how love can be so incredibly exhilarating. He needs to know what it feels like to love someone and how to treat them with sincere, honest feelings. It will make him a better person. It will open his eyes to a world I couldn't show him. I hope she breaks his heart. Hey, I am still human. =)

Woman Puhlease!

It's a snowy day on my patch of the world. It's not overly burdensome- from a few to several inches depending which direction you drive. While working through the night, I watched the snow start, climax, and flurry off. As dayshift nurses arrived, I heard a repeating theme- "my husband/dad/brother had to bring me because the roads were so bad." Ummm, why can't we get our own petutties through the snow? I pondered this as I hightailed it home at a riproaring 35 miles per hour. I mean, I once spent time convincing EX to chauffeur me and yet, I was the better driver. Did I not want to be alone, did I feel more protected, did I just not want the blame if I wrecked MY car??? Alas, being single again forces you to get over it real quick and offers a private chuckle to past driving miss Daisy moments.

To help snub the fear, here's a short list of events one may do that is much more daring than wheelin' through the white stuff.

If you can tweeze your eyebrows, you can drive in snow.
If you can birth a baby, you can drive in snow.
If you can dance in high heels, you can drive in snow.
If you can trim your dog's nails, you can drive in snow.
If you can balance your checkbook, you can drive in snow.
If you can unclog an overused toilet, you can drive in snow.
If you can handle sand in your swimsuit, you can drive in snow.
If you can deal with being waxed, you can drive in snow.
If you can pull out splinters, you can drive in the snow.
If you can take care of everyone else when you're damn near your death bed, you can drive in snow.
If you can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, you can drive in snow!!!

Ooookay, you get my "drift." Don't be so nervous. So what if you spin a little... it's kind of fun to "let loose." You, woman, can do anything so gas it up and go!

Secrets of the House

Prepare for the random:

Shave anywhere you want with hair conditioner. Skip expensive shaving creams/gels and the like. Wonderfully great, smooth results and a lot cheaper.

I am a huge fan of Suave's "works as well as Matrix" Sleek Conditioner for shaving AND deep conditioning hair. I love it so much, here's a pic. Go ahead and buy the big bottle. Wash and towel dry hair, glob Sleek in, loosely pile it and cover with a shower cap. Then LEAVE IT for an hour or two. Seriously. You will be amazed.

Bring back the not-so-energy efficient dishwasher. Seriously. My mid-priced dishwasher sucks and it's just too new to replace. I have to rinse clean dishes otherwise food will remain- and be baked on. The powder cleanser works better than liquid, but still. I want the "too hot to touch" glasses and plates back. I have better things to do than dishes.

Old sterilized toothbrushes work perfect for cleaning bathtub jets. Scrub, scrub, scrub what you can see from the outside, then fill the bath up, add some of the above dishwasher powder and turn 'em on. Cleans from the inside out.

I use my kid's shoe boxes to organize drawers. They are perfect dividers for ponytail holders, nail polish, kid socks, etc. No reason to go buy new plastic dividers when these are free!

On that note, I use old baby wipe containers for a myriad of things: one holds crayons, another- batteries of all sizes, another- puzzles to keep the pieces together. The possibilities are endless.

Today is January 25th. I finally threw out the Halloween candy. Scary stuff. No worries, the chocolate has been gone for months. Yeah, I'm definitely "On It." =)

boys... Guys..... MEN

Okay, this is how I see it. The male species can be found in one of three simple categories. Really, it's that easy peasy. I've met several- of each- during my few years of freedom. After mentally reviewing those I've met, I came to the realization I had never noticed such a difference before. Perhaps it's because I was "a girl" when I exited the dating scene. Now, smack dab in the middle of my 30's, it didn't take long to tag a male as either: a carefree boy, fun loving guy, or manly man. The only question a single woman needs to ask is this: what do you want from a guy?

Here we go:

boys-

Tried and true.... boys will be boys. It's not their looks but personality. You may find a boy at his momma's house on Sunday so she can launder and press his clothes while he is devouring a home-cooked meal and catching the game on TV with pops. If you're a girl, it's not that far off from your own experiences. If you're a woman, leave 'em alone. They have entirely too much growing to do and have much to learn about the world beyond momma's apron strings. They have nonspecific careers and don't hesitate to move from one meaningless job to the next. Expect momma to be the one ordering your flowers on Valentine's Day because he didn't wake up in time. This is not about age, but rather maturity. I've met enough "older boys" to learn it's best to walk before you catch yourself doing his dishes..

Guys-

Guys are fun. Period. They love hanging out. They can be found faithfully on Sunday afternoons shooting hoops, catching a game, in the garage with buddies salivating over their newest high speed machines, or the like. Hot guys tend to have great pickup lines, killer smiles, and it's game on when they are interested. Guys often have decent jobs, some even appear quite professional and that only adds to the attraction. Dates are spontaneous with this type. Here intuition is key. A guy isn't necessarily interested in calming down. Many guys have bachelor characteristics and don't always have deep roots planted for future growth. I married a guy. I divorced a guy. I dated the "how ya doin guy." I tend to be attracted to guys then surprisingly annoyed with the results. Guys can be energetic, edge-of-your seat exciting, and two minutes later- incredibly frustrating. They don't "grow up" past a certain point. These tend to "get by" in life and may do it rather well. But they don't seek more. Future stability is not their primary concern as they "live in the moment." Don't mess with a guy unless you've got your game face on.... and had a good night's sleep.

MEN-

Ahhh, the manly man. Strong, secure, they've got it together and are confident in their choices. Men tend to be in authority or admired careers. They know and actually contribute to their retirement. They own houses. They make people proud. You feel secure with a man. No game here, you know when they are serious. So what's the catch? Men don't always bring the excitement a woman needs from time to time. They are considerate and predictable and stable and strong. I'm not saying they are scrooges by any means, but you know when they close their eyes at night, they will be exactly the same in morning's light. They need women to poke the logs to keep the flames from smoldering out.

The way I see it, everything is a trade-off. Once I started dating, I had to ask a few questions and those in my position should too: Do you want to take care of someone? Do you want surprises and nothing too serious? Do you want excitement and thrill? Do you want the future planner? The strong type? To have comfort in security and stability? So here I sit, stuck between guys and men..... Each with pros and cons and with particularly attractive characteristics. I have yet to meet one with the perfect combo. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I've been stuck in the "guy" department. Maybe I want the security of a man with the excitement of a guy. Maybe he's out there, maybe not. We'll see.

SATC Time Out

Every moment of my life is for real baby.
~Big

Going With THE Flo

Kiss my grits! Yep, I said it and no, no, no.. not to you, but to the 5000 thoughts bouncing in my head, to the ex-husband that needs to review the definition of divorce, to the ex-boyfriend that now "needs to talk" when he didn't feel so compelled when we were dating, to the "friend" that retorted I must be too good since I don't want "to go out" (and really, why do we say "go out"... Another blog..), to having a heart that hurts for someone I'm not going to be with, to working my entire weekend away. Yeah, it's just a KISS IT kind of day. Gotta love 'em....

Footprint Friends and an Unexpected Wordy Shout Out

After thinking about my Other Half, I've pondered several of my female relationships. Through various stages, I've met some incredible women. We are naturally social. It's not always intentional or with purpose, but we are. We crave closeness and connections men can't possibly understand and have a harder time filling. Have you ever left a job and only remorseful that you won't see certain people? Have you ever wondered what life would be like without certain friends? Have you ever reflected on your friendships?

The answers are quite simple for me. The women of my family created perfect examples of poise, grace, friendship, sisterhood, love, and the value of a bond. My short little grandma passed secrets to my mom on stirring pots of homemade goodness that not only filled our stomachs but our hearts as well. And many years later, the women in my family created our ever-growing group known as DOMML, Daughters of Mary Murphy Longest, my grandma. We meet, dine and catch up about every 6 weeks. Without it, I wouldn't see some of these women even once a year. But now it's something I eagerly anticipate. It makes me appreciate the dynamic women in my family.... and girrrrl, can they cook! I have a specially unique sister that reminds me more of our Mom everyday. She and I butt heads one moment and share a hug the next. Never underestimate the power of sisters. Though different, our paths aren't too far divided. And I have this incredibly diva cousin that lets me step out of my own head when I've had enough. We share a beer.... and a tear as needed.... pick each other up and keep going. She sends silly messages when I need it most and is the "go-to" woman on a broad range of topics. Both being single, we encourage and understand in ways others may not. It can be a cruel world out there, it's nice to have the right women not only on your side, but in your family!

We all having "passing friendships"- those that last only as long as the need. You may genuinely care for them, meeting at work or school or the like. Once that chapter closes, the friendships tend to dwindle away. Then there are the "subject friendships" where you have something of shared importance with minimal interaction otherwise. It may be as simple as a shared love for a particular band or parents of your children's friends. You like them enough to be spend time with them as long as the shared interest in involved. Then you have the "footprint friendships." These have left a lasting impact. Even if you were to never speak again, they are etched in your heart.

I have a handful of footprint friends and luckily most are still visible on the outside. I had grown away from one in particular through changing times, but she did a remarkable thing that will forever touch my heart. I was standing in the funeral home wishing away the hours during my Mom's visitation. There was a constant blurring stream of people paying their respects, nearly 1000 we later learned. I was drained from the preceding weeks, emotionally spent and in a fog. And there, standing alone in the back, was my footprint friend. I hadn't seen her in YEARS. She fumbled with her keys, apologizing, her eyes completely breaking for me. I was so surprised to see her. I was so happy to see her. I was so thankful to see her. She dusted off our footprints with that one resonating gesture and now we are back at it on a daily basis. We have a history, a mutual understanding, a love of dancing and music and letting loose, a bond that is now just a given in our busy lives. We choose not to judge, but to support, uplift, listen and I keep her close to my heart.

Two other important women very well could have been "passing friendships" but quickly became footprint friends. Our careers brought us together, but shared times and thoughts forged friendships. One is on the quiet side, slightly reserved and incredibly insightful. I may be searching for words, stumbling over statements, unsuccessfully trying to explain what I'm thinking and she quietly listens for a moment..... pauses..... and can explain what I feel in a minute or less. We share the same witty, but sometimes less than ladylike humor... which makes it even better. We respect each other's journey and encourages the other to blaze the trail to the left. She just gets it. I don't know how else to explain her wonderful self. She encourages me to seek happiness, to grab the moment, to never settle. She has nerves of steel and will speak up when others are quiet. She keeps things in perspective. I admire, respect, and learn from her.

Then the other footprint friend makes me laugh when I don't want to, smile when I think I can't, and reminds me I'm not 80 years old. She is going a hundred miles an hour at any given moment, but will skreeech to a halt if she thinks something's wrong. She is bighearted, loves to laugh, brings whimsy to my day with her hot mess, jacked up, boom boom pow friendship. I can say absolutely, 100% any random thing to her and she can run with it and validate my thoughts. She may be telling me I have a wonderfully unique heart that deserves more then stop mid sentence to say I'm looking mighty bootylicious. She just makes me laugh. It seems one of us is always saying what the other is thinking.

Blessed! Lucky! Thankful! For the wonderful footprint friends I mentioned and those I didn't as well. The women that "get it" and have room in their hearts and lives for another woman. I just hope they all know I appreciate and love them. And they are each uniquely fabulous!!!

The Other Half of my Half

I have this friend whom I delightfully refer to as my asexual life mate that I can't live without. And no, I haven't decided to switch teams, but rather to reflect on one of the best, solid, relationships a woman can have- a girlfriend. Mine fills the void in various areas and on any given day she assumes the role of: therapist, surrogate mother to ME, fill-in mom to my children, conscience, style consultant, financial advisor, moral compass, fake spouse, you name it and it's covered. She picks up party supplies I forget, she picks up my kids when I'm in a bind and she picks me up when I need a reality check.

Our friendship started 20+ years ago at a Home Economics table in 7th grade. She, wearing a skirt and I, gleaming with a mouth of metal and both sporting the art of the boof as a hairstyle. Two different upbringings but one strong connection of "getting each other" has transformed us to mid-30's women still laughing and loving our way through this thing called life. I think if we could have peeked at our future and witnessed the trials, tribulations, beginnings and endings, groundings, and moments of sheer insanity our friendship would face, we both may have reacted differently. She would have ran like hell from that table...... and I would have been jotting notes for the beginning chapters of a best seller. It all started so innocently.... okay, now wait. That's a flat out lie. Nothing in our friendship has ever been innocent but they make for great stories we can reminisce about over a nice cocktail every now and again. Oh, the schemes we pulled off, guys we dated, extravagant plans we concocted to do things we had no business doing. I was always in trouble, thanks to her of course. Through it all, we strengthened our soul sister bond to the point of unbreakability.

I suppose not every woman has the girlfriend you can run to in times of euphoric happiness, deep sadness, bad haircuts, boyfriend breakups, acne breakouts, life fiascoes, bad mommy moments, humiliating times you'd hate for anyone else to know. You name it and we've already crossed it off the list. I often tell her that, had it not been for her, I would be living in a trailer park, curlers in my hair, one of my five babies on my hip, a cigarette dangling from hot pink stained lips while waitin' for my no good sumbitch husband to come home from the track...... honestly, I can picture it. But instead, we called and talked, called and listened, called and cried, called and didn't give up. Today, I woke up with the mental tape of our latest conversation running and I realized how far we've come. Sure we've had to drag each other a time or two, but we made it. My asexual life partner will always be one perfect other half to me, even when I'm ready to find that slightly imperfect other half. For that, I'm forever grateful. I love ya Miss!

Well SOMEONE Has Balls... or uh, NERVE!

Well, well, well..... seems I'm a pushover, a softy, an empathetic person.... estupido! It all started as the holiday season was approaching. My ex-husband was griping daily that he was becoming more and more depressed. Our preschool son's announcement that daddy wasn't family because he didn't live in our house seemed to fuel the unhappiness fire. So that helped set the stage for the ex's attitude moving near the holidays. Depending on his stage in cycling through bipolar, this can go one of two ways. Either he is screaming at me for "breaking up" our family, throwing things into the Christmas tree (last year) and being a complete self-obsessed ass or the gloomy blues exact opposite. Think of Eeyore... oh me, oh my... life is soooo bad. I just want my family back. They are all that matters now.... (He forgets he chose to sneak around with a woman... no, not a woman.... a girl for over a year while I was pregnant with our 2nd child and my Mom was dying. Something as you may notice, I do NOT forget.)

Anyway, so this year it's Eeyore... life is horrible and even my son doesn't love me. So what do I do? I "extend" just a little, small, smidgen. I tell him he can sleep on the couch Christmas Eve to not miss the magic of Christmas morning. That's uneventful primarily due to him sleeping through the night and I had the honor of assembling toys in peace. Then Christmas night, I had to work. The kids have a living room FULL of new toys, and I won't be here anyway so let them (with him) stay here and play.... right???? WRONG! After being awake for over 24 hours, I come home from work that morning exhausted, ready to change my clothes and climb in bed. It's all I think about as I head towards my bedroom- whew! I made it through the busy day of Christmas then worked nearly 14 hours. As I step in to my bedroom, I pause at first in disbelief. Spread out across my bed with only boxers on, his boys hanging out and all, HE IS SLEEPING IN MY BED AND NEARLY NAKED. Get up! Get up! HEY, wake up! Get out of my bed! NOW! All I can think is crap, now I have to wash my sheets again.

See, this is a huge boundary issue for me and a major no-no for him. Remember the post of loving my new bed and mattress set? It goes along with the being a grown up, letting go of that ugly past... which is laying on my NEW outlook, MY space, NEW as in not for you. As in why the hell are you hanging out of your boxers anyway when our 5 yr old daughter and 4 yr old son are in this house?? As in GET OUT OF MY ROOM!! Geez, the nerve of him! Ya give an inch.....

2010

I'm one of those goofy little people that put true, honest efforts into New Year's resolutions. I get that bright-eyed, bushy-tailed thought process to look at what's not working, fix it, and make me a better person. I'm a list person. Love lists, stick to them too. Sometimes I will complete a task, realize it wasn't on the list, and scribble it down just to mark it off. Ahh, the feeling of accomplishment! I feel that same accomplishment of sorts when I blog moments. It allows me to organize thoughts, evaluate what's bothersome and to "empty my brain" of its internal pandemonium. Thoughts, feelings, and moments swirl above my head just as quickly as I can type. If they don't, it's the first surefire sign I need recheck my "honesty reflection." It is similar to creating resolutions for the new year. A time to step back, look at what you're not pleased with and fixing it. Sounds pretty simple huh? We'll see.... the more I look, the longer my list grows.... but life is a process...


Here's a sampling of goals:

1. Spiritually and Mentally Healthy-
Seek God and my purpose in this life. Stop asking why but learn from them. Don't allow the lessons of healing slip away. Apply this to life, create a solid foundation for my children. Stop being angry. Accept the losses and change. Focus on how to grow.

Also learn to better handle the relationship with Ex. Create and uphold boundaries to halt manipulative behaviors. Re-learn that I, nor anyone else, should find acceptance in being treated poorly. Forgive but don't give in. There has to be a balance but it has yet to be found. All I know at this point is what doesn't work. No more attempted highjackings over who has control of my life.

2. Financially Healthy-
Rework current debts. Work at least one extra shift each pay period to offset kid's school expenses. Re-establish and look to the future. And for my kid's sake, work enough extra to go on vacation this year, even if it is a short beach trip!! (Okay, ya got me- that one's definitely for me too!!)

3. Physically Healthy-
Lay off the sweet tea.... okay, just cut back. Incorporate more fresh seasonal vegetables and have a bigger garden this summer. Get registered for cancer insurance and get that stinkin colonoscopy. *Just in case.* Start doing more physical activity. Gym expenses are not in my budget, but on the first decent day- start walking around the block with kids again. Get to the park more. Until winter's passage, resume kickboxing in the living room. Made me feel great and also ready to kick someone's ass if need be. =)

4. Personally Healthy-
Stop making excuses to keep people away. I am by no means anti-social. I can laugh and have a great time with almost anyone. But it's just getting me out. I have guilt for leaving my kids even if it is a much needed break. I know being a mom is my #1 priority, but being me should come in a close second... right? I do talk to some of my wonderful chicas several times in a week, but moments of just being *me* are few and far between. And if you're most guys, pssh, you can forget it. Oops, that door just closed! Sorry! Try again some other time... most men just don't interest me. I can't help it. I've got myself in an interesting situation now that probably wouldn't go in the "healthy" category. But I'll plead my case for it in a future blog.

5. Professionally Healthy-
I have a few work goals that don't pertain as much to my resolutions as they do to my annual pay raise. So those will be met shortly... at the beginning of the year! Woohoo! Push it on outta the way. I do have a few others, but those can wait until I'm restless with the first 4 goals.

These may not be New Year's Resolutions so much as they are 2010 Goals. I can slip up here and there, but I hope to look back at the end of the year and see most items crossed off the list with scribbles of other accomplishments filled in and marked out in the margins.

Time, Time, Time!!!

I've had about 15 blog stories floating in my head for the past month but haven't found a way to put them to words. Like lyrics to a song, tempo is everything. One minute I'm ecstatic and the next, well not so much. It's amazing how one thing can make you happy and give heartache all at the same time. I wrestle feelings all the time. I blow things off I shouldn't then focus on moments in time that are irrelevant to my day.

Is life always this hard? Shouldn't things get easier at some point?!? I spend SO much time playing peacekeeper in one part of my life, that I am essentially dropping out of other parts. I do realize this is all quite general. I dread putting to words things I feel or think as it will force me to face true reality. I'm working through this.... and took a "good for me" step today by laying it out there in the neverending open for a friend to see. When my Mom passed, I told myself to never hold back, to always go with what you feel. Yet, I sit and wait and watch and listen and reflect. I thought I would always look forward, never looking back and yet, I find what's behind made me. And 99.8% of the time I've got it together. It's that pesky 0.2% that throws me. I'm waiting for the "full circle" to kick back in so I can be meeeee again. No regrets, no regrets, no regrets I tell myself.... and I usually believe. It's a difficult thing, this process of showing vulnerability. It's much easier to keep it all undercover and protected but that also means holding yourself back and I'm over that. I guess full circle isn't what I need in the end. It only gets you back to the point where things still weren't working.

My Babies

My sweet, adorable, mind-turning children. They keep me grounded with their wonderfully whimsical ways of thinking. Here's just a few moments:

(At the dinner table a few evenings ago.)
My daughter: Momma, I loooove your spaghetti. You're the best cooker ever!
My son: Mommy, I loooove your face because you give me the best kisses with it!

And a conversation between my son and his dad last night- he stays at our house on Sunday nights when I am working third shift.

My son: I like when Mommy's here and you're not.
His dad: Why is that buddy?
My son: Cos I sleep with Mommy and I love sleeping with her.

I loooove being mom, mommy, momma!!!!

Drifting

There's a hot air balloon drifting over my little brick house on this beautiful November day. When they drop me a rope I will climb aboard and drift away. Seems my head's in the cloud-streaked sky to stay.

Oh wait! It's landing just beyond the trees! I better go!

Parts for the Heart

****Phone Ringing****

Shop Keeper: Thanks for calling the parts department for Keep Your Life On Track. Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I need a new timing belt. Seems mine needs to be replaced.

Shop Keeper: What makes you say that?? Is it still running? Not installed correctly on the pulleys?

Me: It's running..... but BACKWARDS. Like to YEARS AGO and thoughts of the "road not taken" are throwing my days off.

Shop Keeper: Oh, I see. Give me the specs and let's see what we've got.

Me: It's a 1974 model. Pretty straightforward and usually has life running in check. But an old friend has reconnected and tugged the belt- nearly off its pulley. Now it seems to be skipping, if you will.

Shop Keeper: That's no problem. You may not need a replacement. Just let things be as they are and I'm sure the belt will self correct for perfect harmony in no time. Why so worried?

Me: Because sometimes I'm happy it went backwards.

Shop Keeper: Why can't you just do a manual adjustment? Catch up with your old friend, say your peace and be on your way.

Me: Replacing the belt would be easier. In the years apart, significant parts and pieces have combined, for what appears, a great life for my friend and I want that for him. In a matter of weeks, he will be overseas and his future isn't so smooth... but there still isn't a place in it for me upon return. We've shared things that have been put away for years and still have much more to say. We just haven't quite found... or even looked for.... that stopping point. I thought this would be easy, just agree it was nice catching up then say keep in touch and all those lines people don't really mean.

Shop Keeper: And now you wonder about.......?

Me: Timing!!!! Why didn't we have this opportunity years ago? Why now, of all times? Does this mean there is some impending doom? I fear the same things now as then- closure, our definite end and yet no "forward point" either. We've set our own paths in different parts of the country with no innocent intersections. Just give me a new timing belt, erase my odometer, and let us get back on our respective journeys. Time is ticking!

Shop Keeper: Sorry, you're on your own. We don't have a fix, but belts are dependable and will keep things running even when you've lost the map. You're not supposed to feel it tugging along the pulleys and it may even squeak from time to time, but just take it for what it is. Your belt doesn't need to be replaced so don't forget your ultimate destination. And remember one other thing- happiness is sold separately- but it must work with all the other parts for a great trip. Blaze your own path and happy trails!

Her Randomness

A Girl Should Be Two Things:

Classy and Fabulous.

~From Coco Chanel herself.

But reminds me distinctly of Audrey .


Welcome to my restless and rambling stage. Here's a sampling of trivial things that keep my mind ping ponging.

One of my favorite sayings:
I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, but now I go topless. Well, that just threw "classy" out the window.... but isn't it fabulous?!?!? I've been told a time or two lately that I'm heartless. Not that at all, it's just well protected these days!

Do men have a "nesting" period?? I've witnessed this with a few single, male friends. It happens at 2 different stages- on the brink of turning 40 and as winter approaches. Bizarre behavior... reminds me of watching a squirrel gather nuts. Maybe it's their revelation that their self-created life is a little chilly. Here, they toy with the idea of having a +1. Wonder if it's lasting or just a momentary crisis. Just looking for an explanation.....

I admantly say I will never be swept off my feet- too much of a realist now. Doesn't happen, fantasy world! But deep down, it would be nice to have the RIGHT equally madly "in like" with me man come take me away. So, how can Prince Charming ride to my rescue if I knock him down before he even mounts his horse? ... and I wonder if the horse would mind having 2 child car seats strapped to the sides....

We are all a work in progress. It's good to pause occasionally to check where your arrow is pointing. Turns out, my compass needed adjustment. Note to self: "Settling" is not an option.

Definition of assertive: confidently aggressive or self-assured; positive: aggressive; dogmatic
Hmm, surprising.. tilts to the negative... Sorry dictionary.com but assertive is NOT aggressive. Regardless, it's my new self help topic. I talk to myself about it and it helps!!

Why do people think all nurses want to marry a doctor? Many have innocently asked if I know any doctors to date. Umm, no. You won't find me at the nurse's station in my little white- just barely covering my ass- dress waiting to flirt with a doc. Rather, you're likely to find poo on my pants from a patient's colonoscopy prep and griping about what a jerk some MD was when I had to call him at 3 am.* Working my unit is more like being a contestant on Fear Factor than a speed dating participant.
*This statement does exclude my dear friend Krishna who is nothing less than a perfect physician and dear spouse of my best friend.

My spinning wheels have officially went down the toilet. Coming soon: Peace, love, and shimmies!

Different Kinda Blues

The Blue Jean Count Breakdown

15 Pair owned and scrutinized

-1 Permanently retired for being a style failure

-2 Can't be coerced over my childbearing hips

-3 Even a ponytail holder won't bridge the button to its hole

-2 Buttoned! But breathless with one grande muffin top

-3 So tight the pocket seams show. Eating is not an option.

-1 Bootylicious but create a "front butt" too

And then there were 3.......

-1 Only worn with HIGH heels because of length

-1 Fit great but so low rise I'm the resident plumber when bending, sitting, exiting a car...

And so one last, lonely worn out pair that "will work"... for now. I've been on the hunt for more but have decided I would rather go to the dentist and gynecologist back-to-back than torture myself again. Searched half the day and still left denim-free.

Ahhh, gaining a few curves= pricey!!!!

Skreeeech! Hold up! Wait a minute! It's Fall??

I'm a summer girl- sunshine, swimming, beaches, the SMELL of suntan oil- love it all. Warm months go by too quickly. Then it's time to cool down. At first, I tried to ignore fall and continued wearing flip flops. After inspecting purple toes, I have succumbed to this change too. I mean, it only happens EVERY year.

I pulled out our Halloween decorations, cluttered the house with pumpkins and such, then sat back waiting to get excited. The kids loved it. They had orange and purple lights strung all over the place. Their giggly chatter TOLD me this would be fun, but still, ugh....

Years ago, Mom and I were driving down Hwy 31 when she remarked how beautiful the changing trees were in the fall. Soon it will be time for campfires, pots of chili, vegetable soup, Angel biscuits, she went on. Fall is such a welcome sight for many, but I find it depressing. Beautiful leaves, pumpkins, Mums, it's all a reminder of what's on our doorstep. Soon trees will be naked, the sky will be gray, and we will stay in rather than getting bundled up just to stay indoors somewhere else.

The day after Thanksgiving 2006 is earmarked one of the worst days of my life. I unexpectedly found I was not the only woman in my husband's life. I felt so incredibly foolish. My Mom had just passed, I was physically and emotionally exhausted then this bomb exploded shredding my already dwindling family. The betrayal, lies, disrespect, it was already too much and still, just the beginning. I had to make some tough, gut wrenching decisions then. I never wanted to be a single parent, for my kids to be shuttled between relatives and friends, I never wanted to have one person knowingly give me this much pain. I never wanted to be alone. All those exhausting, sad, empty moments have been chainlinked to Fall and Winter in my mind. I've created that association and found it's difficult to break.

Last week, I was driving down Hwy 111 pondering how quickly we were "going through" Fall. I want my kids to appreciate the wonder of mother nature and the transitions all around us. I pointed to the cluster of trees, recalling my Mom's enthusiasm. Adding some of my own, I said "Look at all those beautiful colors!" My kids eagerly began describing the hues of the leaves delicately dangling from the branches. Magic! Their thoughts exploded- pumpkin carving, trick or treating, making Halloween cookies, all the traditions I have created for us. Their excitement was infectious. Mom, can we make candy apples?? Mom, can we paint faces on our pumpkins? Mom, can I put a ghost up in my room? Mom, do can we get our costumes soon? Mom, if the ghost in my room. is scary... can I put it in yours?? Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes!!!

Maybe someday I will genuinely look forward to fall and what's on its heels. And maybe someday winter won't seem so cold and lonely. Until then, I'm looking at the next few months through my children's eyes as if I'm seeing it anew. I'm still just a summer girl, I wear my flip flops (and now fuzzy socks) but hey this life is not all about me now is it??

*Photo by Lori Hamm Tate

Oh Momma Chiquita Banana

Three years.... three long, grueling short years. My Mom, my rock, my advisor, my friend has been gone. I am so incredibly blessed to be her daughter. Some people are never so lucky to feel a Mom's unconditional love. I was even more blessed that she prepared me for life's difficult times. While it hasn't been easy, I learned everyone has an inner strength that will prevail, but it's okay to lean on a friend while waiting for that surge.

The last few weeks of her life were swirled with emotions for me. Happiness, laughing, sharing stories about the millions of our silly times and memories. Then extreme sadness realizing our present times were soon going to be memories. We filled hours with endless chatter. I even carried with me a list of questions I wanted her thoughts on. We opened kitchen cabinets, took pictures and jotted down the stories behind her dishes, my grandmothers' dish, gifts from her sisters and so on. I am so thankful for that time. We spoke of things we never dared cover before. I wish it would have been done years ago when nothing was looming over our heads.

One early morning, I walked in to see Mom sitting on her bed, head bowed and looking at her hands. Those wonderful, loving hands were not attractive to her with their sun spots and freckles. I sat next to her in silence staring at our reflection in her mirror. "How did we get here?" I thought. Precious moments were ticking away. With her eyes fixated on her hands, she quietly spoke, "So this is how it ends..." I put my arm around her shoulder as she rested her head on me. I could feel my eyes fill with tears. She asked, "By Christmas?" I softly nodded. "Thanksgiving?" Again I nodded. "Soon?" I could only muster a partial nod to her question. No words would form in my mouth. "Okay" and a gentle headshake was her accepting response. And there we stayed, in the moment of acceptance and an unfamiliar roll reversal, in silence. Tears, one by one, rolled down my face. I stared at our image in the mirror trying to remember that moment forever. I wondered how she made it through her own mother's passing. As if reading my mind, she shared how I will make it and how I would get my siblings and Dad through this as well. In an unrehearsed moment of her own strength, she spoke softly as I closed my eyes and listened. We hugged one another and stayed that way well after the words ended. It was then, I'm positive, she transferred a large portion of her strength to me.

It's funny the things that stick in my head. While growing up, some of our best conversations involved her in the bathroom fixing her hair and putting on makeup. I would lay on her bed and talk while she was getting ready to go somewhere. I still see the face she makes while brushing the back of her hair or how she moved her mouth and cheeks when applying foundation all while conversing with me. Sunday, I was getting ready when Jadyn climbed on my bed and was babbling on and on. My first thought was "I don't have time! I have to get out of here or I'll be late for work." Then I felt myself carrying a big grin realizing these may be some of her favorite talks as well. I walked over and gently kissed her forehead. Pulling down my hand from her face, she exclaimed "Mommy, your hands look funny.... they have freckles!" Reflecting on their transformation over the past few years, I proudly responded "Yes, they do."


I posted the following comment a few years ago when asked about my hero:

My Mom took an unbeatable challenge, fought with everything she had, stayed longer than most expected and smiled every morning she woke up. Pity was not her thing, she was much more interested in living. She really showed me what matters most. "This too shall pass..."

Love you, miss you, always with you.

Success!

I am happy to report that my new, gorgeous inspiration shoes (see below) were finally christened tonight. After wearing them for 8 hours, I must admit my feet are thrilled to be out of those bad boys, but they looked great and I loved them. Maybe it wasn't the smartest idea to wear them on a night of dancing and lots of walking but a band-aid here and there made it all work. Woo hoo! Success.... and good night!

The Other Side of The Bed

I recently purchased a new mattress set to accompany my gifted "grown up" bed. The other was beyond shot and I was ready for the old inner springs to stop poking and laughing at my ribcage. A few weeks in to my new found love, I chuckled to myself that only one side of the bed would have an indentation. Sure my little guy sneaks in once he's sure I'm fast asleep, but he's just my extension as he lays right next to me. And alas, the other side reminds pristine and untouched.

As I lay there, I contemplated the other side being so incredibly neat and fluffy. Maybe it was supposed to remain new and fresh. One day when I'm ready to let go of the old routine, I will venture to that side. But for the time being I stay on my safe, comfortable side... the place where I know exactly how to position myself to get what I want the most. In this case it's a good night's sleep. But what about in the real world? I've been a self proclaimed mini warrior in my own life and quickly learned the difference between what I HAD to do, what I NEEDED to do, and what I WANTED to do. I've become so well versed in positioning myself to be close to someone, but still hold them at a distance. Can never be too safe, I'd tell myself. I especially choose men that are fun, edgy, bad- if you will- and do not have the capacity to be emotionally connected. Just skip that part, commitment is overrated right? If you date a man that can give you everything except the one thing you're scared of most then it's all safe? Right?!?? Isn't this how it's supposed to work?

A few weeks ago, I found myself at a crossroads with a friend. He's the "How you doin" kinda guy and we always seem to come back around to each other. He has a deep seated commitment fear that no woman in this lifetime will ever tear down and I accepted that along time ago. Then in a rare, out-of-character moment, he extended himself and expressed true emotion talking about a future, his kids, my kids, all these foreign areas our friendship had never ventured to. I was speechless. A year ago, I would have been JUMPING up and down to finally chip in to his barrier. But what did I do? After a very awkward silence, I did not reciprocate even the smallest gesture of reaching out and smashed every real emotion, connection, or feeling we ever shared. Flash and the moment, as well as the guy, was gone. I still think wow, didn't realize I would run. I was crazy for this guy at one point. I had put myself out there before and wasn't willing to do it again even when I had been WAITING to hear those things. But what if, at that pivotal moment, I did open up? I will never know. Instead, I neatly folded our friendship up like a used napkin and handed it back to him. I know he wasn't "the one" with a thousand reasons to back that, but he was someone I truly cared for and my reaction was shocking especially to myself. I had nailed this "date like a man" plan but it didn't feel good.... or right.

I did a little experiment last night. I scooted over to the untouched side of my bed just to try it out. Sure it was a bit uncomfortable; things felt out of place for a few minutes and I had to keep adjusting until it was a little closer to "normal." I'm tired of being the "at an arm's length" kind of woman. I don't want to never feel true love.... and happiness... and security again. As I lay there, I realized it wasn't THAT uncomfortable... it was actually kind of nice and refreshing. I must learn how to "let go" and discard that load of bricks from my past. I drifted off to sleep on the new side. When I awoke this morning, I was back on the safe, familar side. So maybe I'm not ready just yet, but it's a start. The welcomingly cool side felt great, even if just for a moment.

I Believe....

I wear a petite medallion around my neck engraved "Believe." That little word carries in it's letters so many different meanings and emotions. Sometimes I catch myself holding on to it when I need strength or a gentle reminder. I thought I'd share a sample of my random " I believe" thoughts.

I believe:

• Life is good.... even in the down turns. Strength comes from those dark moments.
• My Mom stands next to me often. I can smell her perfume and no one else is near.
• People waste too much energy being negative. Forgeddaboudit!
• I set an example for my kids every day, good or bad. I think my son will grow up to treat a woman right and hope my daughter will learn to never settle.
• Life is a balancing act. Everyone needs to learn to pick their battles and when to walk.
• Everyone wants to have their place in the world. The only question I have is that where you want to be or did you let someone else put you there?
• Girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with. (Sex And The City)
• I'm a bit crazy. You will often hear me singing "She's gonna make it after all" from the Mary Tyler Moore Show.
• Music is the easiest form of self expression. It often says what you can't verbalize.
• Every woman should have a friend to look her straight in the eye and say "What were you thinking?!?" when warranted with no repercussion on the friendship.
• She should also have a friend that encourages her to blaze a trail right off the straight line.
• I've found myself in my 30's and I wouldn't trade that for anything or age in this world.

I believe: (Here's where I go a little off the laa-dee-dah path)

• "....... I'll have another beer." It's my favorite thought some Saturday nights.
• Cell phones should stay at home when out with the girls. (Yes, it had to come after the "another beer" belief.) If you don't want them sober, don't get them when you're drunk!
• Men's razors are SO much better than women's. Why is that, really?!
• Weed trimmers should be redesigned. How about a nice little switch that says "Start." No more cranking and cursing.... This goes back to being an example to my kids btw.
• I was a fool to get black leather seats AND a sunroof in my car. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "hot ass." Youch!
• I don't need an "Easy Button." How about a nice little "F... You Button." Problems solved.
• I can do anything. Honestly, I do. Wonder Woman has nothing on me.... well, except for the fact that she never gets physically hurt.
• Confidence is the sexiest trait a woman can have. Stand up for what you believe and ignore the haters.

Most of all:

I believe:

• I am one lucky woman. Perfect children that GIVE ME life everyday, unbelievably great, supportive, and FUN friends that make me laugh until my belly hurts and all the wonderful women in my family It reminds me that I do belong and my Mom lives on. Just being around them makes me happy!!!! The men in my family aren't so bad either!

Cha- Cha- Cha- Changing!

DATE LIKE A MAN

DATE LIKE A MAN

DATE LIKE A MAN



MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN.

I'm cleaning out and these beautiful heels are my inspiration. Bye, bye fuzzball mommy jogging sets that have seen better days. Well hellllo, sexy!!!

Check Please!

Wow! The dating world has changed so much since I was last in it- some 13 years ago. Now, it's all about online dating, text messaging, "hooking up" and skipping some of the great moments along the way.

My first venture out was about 2 years ago and it started by finding an old friend, one whom I was wild about at one time and hadn't seen in 17 years. The first date was GREAT and lasted into the wee hours sitting on a river bank talking about EVERYTHING. I thought "Is this man for real?!? This is what I have been missing!" Fast forward and no, the man isn't for real... the man is a player. Men like him know what to say, when to say it, and how to make a woman feel like the center of the universe when they need it the most. The problem with a player is if YOU never walk away, it will go on and on. Just when you are done, they come around with their well-rehearsed lines and try to draw you back in. Well, not me. I walked away..... then came back a few months later, that pesky tall, dark handsome man. Actually I think just being friends with Player is good for me- I have a good learning curve on how to date like a man. And that's just what I planned to do.....

Several months later, I "met" (online, of course) a man that seemed interesting enough, busy enough to not expect me to drop everything to be with him, and we had good conversations. He was polite and understanding when I turned down his first two invitations to dinner. One day, I thought, WHAT am I waiting for?!? So I eagerly said yes the next time and went to buy a new outfit. As I was getting ready, I thought "Tonight, Mommy isn't going to be Mommy, but a fun, single woman." He chose a very nice restaurant, I was a little nervous. I do much better with just meeting for drinks, but this was an excellent place for a date. Sooo, I met Mr. Nice Enough and he looked NOTHING like the pictures he had posted.... My friends and I are actually still debating if that was his friend's pic or if it was just about 10 years old and 60 lbs lighter. I try not to judge, but HATE it when someone misrepresents. Then add this conversation 5 minutes into our date and I was DONE!

Nice enough man: Sooo, we've talked about everything on the phone. There are a few things we didn't cover. There's one thing I am dying to know...

Naive girl (me): Oh yeah? (smiling) What's that?

Nice enough: Well, how do you shave?

Naive and confused: What?

Nice enough: You know, how do you shave down there?

Naive and disgusted: Uh, with a razor.

Nasty Enough: Well, maybe later I'll just have to find out for myself.

Naive no more: Only if you call my ex-boyfriend and ask him. Check, please!

So, maybe I can't date just like EVERY man. Some of them are jerks. =)

From Where I'm Standing

The one fact is that life is constantly changing. I thought I had my world planned out. Like dancing through a field of daisies, I was oblivious to the looming thunderstorm ahead. Within a very short time, my dear Mom passed away, my marriage was ending, and I had an 18 month old and 3 year old relying on me to not fall apart. So I picked up the pieces (aka "putting my big girl pants on") and kept on going.

So here I sit, three years later in a different house, with a different life, even different furniture. I should admit I shoved all of the old out the front door and had an impromptu yard sale in a moment of indifference. But what relief, moving to a new house and leaving broken memories behind! Only one thing in my life has remained constant and that is to give my children stability, continuous love and affirmation that we were going to be FINE.... even better than fine. We were going to be wonderful and have a great life. So many changes and I often worried I just wasn't doing enough, that they would feel short changed from my decisions, that my best just wasn't enough for the three of us.

I was updating my daughter's baby book last night when I started thinking about transitions and separations over the past few years. I was SO worried about her riding the bus today. I was positive my heart would leap out of my chest before the moment arrived. While looking at pictures from the moment SHE arrived, I realized she's already been through some incredibly challenging times. She has always known I was here when she needed me- she could see me, grab my hand and look to me for reassurance. Sure, we stumbled here and there, but we always kept going. Getting on the bus today was the center point of her KNOWING I am still here, always. She climbed to the top of the steps, looked back at me with her half smile, I nodded reassuringly, she gave me a full smile back and off she went. As I watched the bus carrying my precious doll, tears filled my eyes. I halfway expected her to grab my leg, to beg me to let her stay home, to hold on tight. But she did none of those. Life has thrown my little 5 year old some curve balls, and today gave ME the reassurance that she can adapt to anything and she knows I will not fail her and I am always holding her hand....

My Life!

Hi and welcome to my blog. I'm excited to start this new outlet and see just where it goes! I plan on covering everything from the daily insanity of being a single mom to being back on the dating scene. Yikes, bite nails (STOP that, you have to PAINT them again!). It has all been a process to say the least. One that I am still learning and adjusting to. To sum it up, I started off growing up in the Waltons Family, have found myself spending the past few years on The Springer Show, and now I must just stay off the the Maury "Who's Your Daddy" episodes. Kidding! But it wouldn't hurt my feelings if someone nominated me for The Bachelorette!